Blessed

Before I say anything, I want to say thank you God for this blessing and opportunity.  I also want to say thank you to those who have stood by me in this time of need, believe me it is appreciated and I will return your kindness ten fold.  My last post I said I had a feeling something good was about to happen, I had no idea how or what, but God gave me the feeling something was going to happen, and I believed in His message, and low and behold He has delivered.

It's just a job interview, yes, but it's a sign that people are interested in my work, and that is a wonderful feeling.  It's easy to get discouraged when you send resume after resume out, and hear nothing, but you can't stop believing in yourself, and treating people right.  It will be the same job type I had, but at least 15k more a year than I was making.  God You are and awesome God.  If you pray, if you remain humble, if you truly have faith and believe in yourself and God, and if you live right and treat people right, God will always make sure you are provided for.  I'm living proof.

I always listen to God when He speaks, many times it doesn't always make sense to me, but I listen.  When He puts feelings in me for people, when He says don't give up, when pushes me towards greater opportunities, and even when He tests my faith, I listen.  And I am thankful.  For those who have been with me through thick and then, please pray for me, and one last time thank you.

Never give up on yourself or your love or your dreams, you have those for a reason, God doesn't make mistakes.  One thing about me, even when I'm down, I'm fighting to get back up, and not just back where I was, but better than I've ever been.  We all are equal, God sees us all as His children, all we have to do is believe and have faith and accept His blessings.

Perseverance

Nobody ever accomplished anything worthwhile in life by walking away or giving up.  You can't achieve your dreams, if you don't fight until the very end.  Simple and true.  I'm not saying the fight will always be easy, I'm not saying that the fight always ends with a happy ending, I'm just saying the only way you can succeed is by trying, and when you fail, get back up, dust yourself off and smile, and try again.

Dreams,  love, goals, they're all achieved through perseverance, if you have true faith in yourself and what you love and believe in, then you've won half the battle.  There will be obstacles, people will try to tell you it will never happen, people will try to tell you to give up, but obstacles are meant to be conquered.  When someone says your dreams are impossible, you just step up and say watch me make it possible.

I don't give up on those I love, on my dreams, or myself.  I will stay fighting until the day I die.  God made me strong for a reason.  Never look down on anyone, you just never know what tomorrow brings.  I have a gut feeling something great is about to happen, I don't know what, I don't know how, I don't know when, but when God gives you that feeling you just got to have faith.

Be who you are, I will always be who God made me to be.  I will always respect everyone, I will always remain loyal to those I love, and I will always give much more than I'll ever receive.  It's who I am, and I love how God made me, I show my love for myself by sharing my love with those I love.

When you love someone the right way and for the right reasons, you trust in God take care of things.  You let things play out, you allow time to show all.  In the end, it always seems to work out.  I trust my love to God.

Difference

There are times you hear or see something, and the person thinks they're being so clever, and all I can do is shake my head and laugh at how wrong they are, and poor soul just doesn't see  the hypocrisy in it.  Let me tell a myth about love, something the human nature desires, but it's lust and not love.

You don't tame another human being, especially one you love.  You tame an animal, not a human, the Bible even says to tame the beasts, it never says tame a human.  You see history has even taught us taming another human being just isn't right, and it never ends well.  Some men see taming a woman as a sense of control and power, but truthfully only a man who is not confident in his self has to go this go to this length.  A human being, especially woman, should be able to have the same voice and rights as anyone else in any relationship.  An attitude is not a curse, but can be a gift.  I get so tired of hearing a man disagreeing with a woman, and then saying but I put her in her place as if that is something to brag about.  There are the woman is right, and maybe the man needs his attitude checked.

You don't someone you love, that isn't love, that's control.  And I know some woman are drawn to this, but do you not realize you're defeating the very purpose of equality you're fighting for.  No you don't tame them, you nurture them, you listen to them, you include them, and you realize they are your equal, there life and thoughts matter just as much as your's.  Power isn't controlling someone, power isn't taming someone, no that's a power trip or an ego boost, but it isn't real power.  Don't let yourself be fooled.

Martin Luther King Jr. is a prime example how true power and change comes from nurturing not taming, it's not easy, but real change and power never is.  A real man, can help a woman he loves grow without raising a hand or voice, a real man can take a beating and still stay calm and help both of them grow without taming anyone.  How many times do people need to learn they don't need to be tamed, nobody does.  They just need direction, need to be taught and guided, need to be respected, need to be included.

And when will women learn that true power doesn't control you, a powerful position is nothing because believe me there people in power now that are nowhere near powerful.  True power comes from the heart, comes from how you treat others, comes from kindness and integrity.  Floyd Mayweather seems powerful with his money and profession, but reality is he isn't powerful, he simply has money to manipulative, put him in situation where he needs real power and I promise you who will fail. 

Yet the human nature for women is they're drawn to what they think is power, but read your Bible, it tells you what true power is.  Some powerful men in the bible fall because they thought they had true power, and God showed what true power is.  Saul thought he was powerful when he was killing hundred of thousands of Christians, but then he became Paul, an apostle of Christ, and found true power in his words through Christ. 

Turn the other cheek, straight from the Bible.  A real man knows violence or any kind of looking down on someone else is never the answer.  You don't tame anyone, and believe God sees all, and one day He'll put you in a position where you will reap what you sow.

Tame yourself if you truly feel the need to tame anyone.  When I see a man who feels the need to belittle another person by taming them, I see a weak and sad and insecure man.  There is nothing real about a person like that.  Sometime the truth stings and makes you mad, but it doesn't change the fact that it's the truth.  God is love, God isn't control or taming, God allowed all people, men and women alike, free will for a reason.

Past To Future

Our past is what has brought our life to where it is, in a sense it is what has molded us and brought to our present.  Our present is where we are now, yet in a mere moments will become our past.  Our future is decided by what we do in our present which ultimately becomes our past.  I say all this for a reason, people always say forget the past and let it go, but reality is the past is who we are.  While we can't live in the past, we should always learn and keep it close.

Letting go of the past is never good, because by letting go of the past you are basically letting go of who you are and what made you into what you are, good or bad.  Letting go of the past, means you let go of the lessons you learned, and are doomed repeat them in the future.  Everything in existence that happened before this very moment is the past, do you let go of history, do forget what happened in the world in the past.  People say don't dwell on the past, yet we talk of wars, sports, movements and other great tragedies and heroics of the past as if they were today.

People only choose to use the line walk away or let go of the past when it's convenient for them, and this too and very dangerous, because I promise you, you can never outrun the past, it will always sneak up and catch you.  No, the best thing you can do is accept your past, and face it, make your past work for you and not against you.  If you can learn to conquer your past, then your present becomes easier, and your future more fruitful.  you can never move forward unless you bring the past with you.

God gave us our past for a reason, not to to forget or ignore or simply pretend it never happened.  No, God knew who we needed to be.  Tomorrow is a new day, this is true, but what else is true is this new day is guaranteed to have us in it.  If you keep forgetting the past in exchange for the future, you might realize you're planning for a future you may not be a part of.  Time is delicate, time is precious, time is irreplaceable.  Don't waste your's and definitely don't waste someone else's.

If something doesn't work short term like it should, then how do you honestly expect it to work long term.  Simple question, simple answer, but most of us don't want to admit that answer.  In time small problems grow into big problems because we shrug them off and say it'll get better with time, but reality is they get worse unless you face those past problems and fix them.

If you love yourself, then don't cheat yourself by walking away from something that can truly be a blessing to you.  Walking away shows fear, shows confusion, shows doubt in yourself.  Learn to conquer your fears, doubts and confusion by standing tall and taking a risk, and find out through experience if something will work or not, not through fears, doubts or confusion.

Almost all the world's problems stem from the past, yet so many people choose to do nothing about it, they say let go of the past, therefore never fixing anything in the present or future.  There is no perfect life or love, I've always known that, but what does exist is perfection in the eye of the beholder.  If you love someone, then they should be perfect in your eyes, if they are not, then maybe you have to ask yourself a hard question, do you really them or do they really love you.  If someone truly sees you as perfection in their eyes, they won't give up on you no matter what.  And it's simple, they realize how precious you are, and if they walk away, they will be walking away from the greatest blessing they will ever have in their life.  And walking away from that, is like walking out on life.  And you don't give up on life, because you love yourself enough to know you deserve that greatest blessing no matter how long you have to fight.

So, never walk away from the past, while you can't change it, it is who you are.  The present is fleeting, and is a product of our past, therefore living for the moment means living with your past.  Your future is now, and use your past to make your future brighter.  Don't run from your past, sometimes it's our past that is the keep to our future happiness, we often leave people or things behind because at the moment we feel we have to or there is something better, and then that something better changes and we realize what we left in the past was what we needed all along, God does things like that all the time, and we tell ourselves the past is gone and we can't back, but reality is more often than not, you can go back, all you have to do is love yourself enough to try.  Sometimes you have to go back to move forward.

So the next time someone says walk away from your past, tell them your past is what made you who you are in the present, your past is what will help you make a brighter future, your past in many ways is your greatest asset in life given to you by God Himself, your past is the very definition of your life.
Sometimes you just got to ask yourself, where I am now, is it any different then where I was and will it really lead to where I need to be, can it last the test of time, or am I wasting my precious time.  Love, do you love for the right reasons, or are you making excuses out of convenience.

So Many Times

Guilt is a gift fro  God, He uses it to let us know when we did wrong or made a wrong choice.  God gives a guilt because He wants us to be better, the devil would whether us never feel guilty about anything and do as we please.  So if you feel guilty or bad a something, than you probably made a bad choice, did something wrong, are doing something wrong, or hurting someone you know you shouldn't be, basically God is telling you that you know better and need to make things right.

So I say all this to say, I do not feel guilty one bit for fighting for my friendship with her.  If nothing else, I feel confident in it.  Because I know what I'm fighting for is right as I have no ill intentions towards anyone about it at all.  The devil will pace thoughts and assumptions in your head to cause pain to other people, God will not, but God will allow the devil to tempt us, as it's God's way of testing us to see how true we are.  I will fight for this friendship until I die.

I do not judge anyone by their skin, sex, looks, money, status or any other physical or earthly factor, in fact I simply do not judge anyone at all.  Judge not lest thou be judged.  Trust me, we're all going to get be judged one day soon enough.  Know I try to get to know someone, watch them, talk with them, learn who they are.  Because in the end, we're all the same, we really are.  We may have different experiences or memories, but we all bleed, we all have the same fears, we all want love, we all just want to know everything in going to be great, we all don't know the future.  So personally, I see us all as equals, I'm no better than you, and you are know better than me, nor are we any worse than each other.

Understanding is a big part of who I am, I realize people hurt, and try to understand their perspective, and while I can never fully feel their memories, I can do my best to understand and respect them.  But to label a person one way or another based on skin, sex, looks, money, status or any thing like that is wrong, no matter what the cause might be.  Hate is hate, hate is evil.  God doesn't even hate the devil, think about that, I mean really grasp that, He loves the devil as the angel he once was, it's the sin God doesn't approve of.

Is racism and sexism real?  Unfortunately it is, there will always be people of all races who arbor ill feelings towards another for superficial reasons, rather they be justified or not.  And although people may never admit it, racism comes in all colors, sexism comes in all sexes, some get more exposure than others, but in the end they all are wrong and sin.  You can't change everyone's way of thinking, but you can slowly change the world by changing yourself and showing it through your kindness and actions.  Live by example.  I honestly would love a world where skin and sex or any of that other stuff didn't matter, we would be better off, but until people of all races and sexes let it go and be in the past, it will always rear it's evil head.  History is meant to be a lessen, not to be forgotten and repeated.

Live right, live true.  I try and I do.  I will never feel bad for who I am, and what God made me, because I know I try my best to treat people right no matter who or what they may be.  I am nobody's enemy, I am not everyone's friend, what I am is a fair man who believes in treating everyone fairly and the way I would want to be treated myself.  Violence doesn't bring the dead back, in fact it often leads to more death, true change starts from within, I'm not saying be quiet, no, in fact I encourage you to speak up, but remember to do it in a way that would make God smile.  Remember God sees all, hears all, and knows all.  Respect each other, and they will in turn respect you, and if they don't, then pray for them, because in time we all will be judged by God himself.

I don't feel guilty for fighting for my friend, I don't feel guilty for other people's sins, I don't feel guilty for treating people fairly, I don't feel guilty for who I am.  Don't teach hate, let the hate die now in this generation, teach truth and respect, teach people live life the right way through your actions.  What I say sounds easy, but I promise it is harder than you can imagine, you will be hurt, you will be taken advantage of, because there are people who are evil out there, but I promise you if you do right and act right, God will reward you either here on earth and when we go home to heaven.  God is real, believe me I know.

Simple

Can I be brutally honest and blunt?  Yeah, I am.  Do I mean well?  Always.  And I believe in being up front about how I feel with people, whether it's popular or not, because I feel hiding feelings is being sneaky and dishonest.  The thing about me is, I'm an old white knight personality.  I'm not hear to steal anyone, it's not how I work, and deep down I feel if you can steal someone then how loyal to you do you honestly think they'll be.  But if I love someone, then I believe the best thing for everyone I can do is be open and honest about it, if I put out in the open then everyone involved is aware, but just because I admit it doesn't mean I will act on it, and thats what really eats at me, people automatically assume you will try something.

Here is the reality of the situation, I just want my friend back, I want to be able to talk and see my friend, I'm not asking for anything else, never have, and as long as she is taken I never will, because I respect her and her heart.  But I'm not going to lie about loving her either, as her friend I believe she deserves honesty.  Everything I've done and will do for her is as a friend and nothing more, do I want more, yes, but I also understand right now that isn't an option, and it might never be, but you never know what the future holds, you just don't.

You don't even really know me, yet you jump to conclusions about me, even though other than kindness I've never done anything to prove your assumptions true.  I've never tried to do anything with her like that, even she can confess that.  I don't let many people in, and truthfully she was one of two of my closest friends, so when you took that friendship it cut deep.  I have no problem with her being with someone else, just as long as the friendship can stay, thats what really set me off, had you left the friendship be I would have been just fine.

We can coexist, we always could coexist, but you keep throwing up roadblocks and making things worse than they have to be.  Trust her, just trust her, it isn't that hard, I mean you want her to trust you, well you have to trust her.  Deep down she knows I will hold back and just be a friend, she has always known that about me, believe me she and I had this under control before other people got involved.  So when she offers to spend time with a friend, as a friend only, then just let her.  I won't try anything, that's always been true, and I believe she won't either.  I'm not every other guy, and I'm not saying trust everyone, but I'm telling I just want my friend, I've already confessed I love her and been up front about that, what more can I do to prove I laying it all out there already.  Sometimes, even though we love someone, we still value their friendship more than anything, sometimes in life you just make that kind of connection.  I'm not always right, I'm not always wrong, but I promise I always try not to hide things from those I care about.

All you ever had to do, is let our friendship stay as it was, and truthfully everybody would have been just fine, even me.  It really was that simple.

Heart

Love for the right reasons and you'll never have doubts.  It's simple, the Bible is very clear about it, love a person for their unchanging heart, and not for there outward appearance or looks.  You see, a loving heart never fades away, it lasts an entire lifetime, but looks and material die over time, and therefore love based on these things can never last forever.  Sounds simple doesn't it, but the thing is people love for the wrong reasons every day.

They find someone who is attractive or good in bed, and try with all their heart to justify loving them.  They find someone who can give them the material things they think they need, and they go the extra mile to justify their love for them.  However, the truth is if they have a great heart, than everything else will stay true and fall into place, that is when, and only when, love conquers all.

If you have to make excuses for your loved one, then you don't love them right.  A loved one should never demoralize you, but rather build you through kindness and mutual respect.  A loved one will never doubt you, they might at times disagree, but never doubt you.  A loved one believes in you, not for personal gain, but for your growth, because your growth is for both of you.

A loved one doesn't ask where you been or who you been with day after day, because they are secure in their love and trust for you.  If a loved one trust you, than it doesn't matter who you are with or if they trust them, because they trust you to make the right choices.  If you truly love a person's heart, then you really need to think about them, because deep down that is real love, and doesn't get more pure.

People often fight this love because there is no spark or excitement, or they physically attracted, but deep down if you love their heart, that is the real spark God is showing you.  A spark leads to fire which last but a night, but loving a person's heart is much more than a spark, loving a person's heart is like the sun, day after day it will always be right there for you and bring you much happiness if you just let it in.

In time, we all learn this, either the easy way or the hard way, some times the hard way takes years, but over time it all is revealed.  If you can't have a short term relationship without trust issues and wondering if they love, than what do you think will happen long term.  A loveless long term relationship can be one of the most brutal pains one can ever experience, and one of the hardest things to ever come back from.

If God wanted us to love based on looks, then we'd all be beautiful to one another, we'd all look the same.  But it's the differences God chose to make us unique, He wanted to truly know one another, and therefore placed the real love deep inside us, deep in our hearts.  Actions speak volumes, if someone who has every right to walk away from you chooses to stay and love you and help you, then those actions should speak volumes.  Just because you feel you don't want something or aren't drawn to something, doesn't mean it isn't what God feels you need.  He works in mysterious ways if we just simply listen and watch, many times he places things in plain sight, and we are just to stubborn to acknowledge His signs.

A great heart is the greatest love a person can show and give, and when a person has that great heart you love and is willing to give it to you, that is more valuable than any other gift to exist.  Quotes, words, sayings, we all can use them to convey or justify ourselves.  But the one thing nobody can manipulate is what they have in their heart as it will always show in how they treat those they love. 
God has a plan, and believe me in the end it will be His plan that happens, whether we want it to or not.

Prayer

This is going to be way off topic for me, because right now there is someone I care about deeply as a close friend who is hurting way more than me, who has more on her shoulders at this time than me.  So today, i put my problems and issues aside, and focus on praying for her and her well being.

I can honestly say, death is something we all have to do deal with sooner or later, even when we expect it, it never gets easy to handle.  It's a reality that exist that nobody truly enjoys.  A life is a life, and in the end they all matter.  My friend lost her mother, and my other friend therefore lost her grandmother, and this comes off the heels of losing her mother-in-law.  Needless to say it's been a hard few weeks.  I don't know who reads this, but if you are, all I ask is you say a prayer for my friends, give them strength, give them peace, help them remember the great memories they have of the one's we've lost.

Remember, they at home with God now, they are in His hands, and those are mighty good hands to be in.  I never met her mother, but she told me wonderful stories, and meeting my friend, and even her daughter, seeing how great they are to other's and the caring hearts they carry and strong desires to be the best they can be, well it takes a strong great mother to raise someone like that, so to me through my friends I can see she was a strong, happy, great mother and woman, and we all lost someone very special.

Remember she lives through her family, she lives through my friends, and even the rest of their family.  She will always be a part of you, and you always be a part her.  God has a plan for us all, and ultimately He calls us all home sooner or later.  Take solace in that she passed knowing she was loved, knowing she raised a great family.

I don't what I can do to ease the pain other then pray and offer my help if needed in any way.  Whether it be a ear to listen, a shoulder to lean own, or anything else, I'm there for you all, and trust no matter what, I will never be too busy, that's a promise I know I can keep.  Take this week, and it belongs to your mother, don't mourn your loss, but rather celebrate her greatness.  Thank God for blessing you with a wonderful mother who loved you and raised you the best she possibly could.  Stay strong, you're never alone in life as long as I breathe, my heart goes out to you, it truly does, I truly want to just wrap my arms around you and let you know how amazing you are.

Dear God, I ask you today to lay your hands upon my friend and her family.  Ease their pain, and let her know her mom is in your hands.  Give them strength, give them happiness, and bless them forever.  God at this time they need you more than ever, I willingly give up any blessings you would have me to for you to use upon them.  They have always been a blessing to me, and you God blessed me with them in my life.  Whatever it takes, bring them peace of mind, body and soul.  And most importantly take care of her mom, she was a most wonderful woman.  Let Your will be done.  Amen.

Glass Wall

I have always been fair, and as non-partial as I can be.  I always treat people with respect and kindness.  I'm always willing to help, especially to those I care about the most.  My heart can never be questioned, and those who truly know me, know how true this is.  I've always held my head high, because I treat people the right way, in my eyes we are all equals no matter what are situation might be.  We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses, this is a simple but hard truth.

I will speak my mind, and always be a open book, but with that being said, I will listen as others speak their mind as well, and pay their views with the same respect as my own.  I'm a giver, I give without expecting return, I give because I care, and there are times I do give more than I can, but I believe God has my back and will always give me a way to provide for myself and other's, when the day comes that can't happen, then God will take me home.

Throw rocks at me all you want, call me names, poke fun at me, in the end it doesn't matter.  I am human, I'm not perfect, but before you cast blame, look in the mirror and realize you are human too.  And rather we like to admit it or not, we're all one mistake away from disaster.  I could get depressed, I could go in self pity, but I won't.  I will survive, and nothing you do or say will change that.  So say your sweet words, and little quotes, they're cute, but I'll keep speaking the truth and one day it will all come out.

You can't break what has already been broken, and we all are imperfect and in reality broken, but what separates us is what we do make the most of our broken selves.  A real man's character and strength is revealed when he is weakest and things are at their worst, it is easy for the man with every thing right to look down and laugh and mock, but true character comes when you're down and you look up and smile and realize no storm lasts forever.  So enjoy your laughs, it's all good, I'm stronger than you know, and I'll be back in action in no time, but when I get there, as I always do, I won't laugh at those who are down, no, I choose, as I always have, to reach out and help them get back up, and anyone who knows me or has worked with me, knows that is who I am.

I feel sorry for those who feel the need to find their self worth in other's misfortunes, it must be a sad and lonely life.  And while I will never place judgement on you, believe me one day God surely will.  Treat people right, open your mind and see more than your own point of view, learn to be tolerant, humble and respectful, that's what a real human being should be.  Jealousy, hatred, cockiness, all negative traits, all lead to no good.  My integrity can never be doubted, and that, my friend, is complete truth.

Right is right, wrong is wrong, fair is fair.  My road won't always be sunny, there will be storms, but believe me my destination is great, and one way or another God will guide me there.

Empty Words

Sometimes all you can do is speak the truth and speak up, but if someone is too stubborn to listen, then you have no other choice then let them sink and learn the hard way.  No matter how hard it may be, some people just can't see the issues directly in front of them until they get hurt, and it's sad.

If someone is truly sorry for what they did, then they won't repeat that action.  But if someone is gullible enough to allow that person to keep hurting them, then they're at fault.  Perfection does not exist, but also hurting the one you love repeatedly whether it be verbal, physical, mental or spiritual abuse is far from perfection, in fact it's toxic.

You reached out to me because you cared and you wanted to help, I know this, and that is what makes you great.  However, you allowed someone to override your heart, and pull you away for no other reason but their own.  That is your weakness.  You fear losing them, but in all honesty, what are you really losing, think real hard.  There are better men out there, who don't have to apologize because they won't hurt you like that to begin with.

Here's a thought, next time he does the same thing to you over again that he apologized for, confront him, and tell him that you thought he was sorry for that and here he is doing it again.  You can tolerate these issues in the short term, but think long term, think years and decades, these habits will eat away at your soul, and worse eat away at those around you.

Any man can buy you stuff, any man can motivate you, any man can make you life, but only one man can truly love you unconditionally.  And that man who can love you won't hold anything over you in order to be with them, no matter how many times they say they're sorry.  You don't want to admit it, you don't want to believe me, I understand where you are coming from, but the signs are all there, I don't want to see you hurt, but ultimately it is your choice and it is choice you should not make lightly.

There are times I will rub you the wrong way, and if that is how it has to be, then so be it.  But I want to be upfront with you, and if that makes me look like the bad guy, then so be it.  You're worth saving.  There is a type of man, who only seek women they can control, don't let them control you, and trust me he knows exactly what he is doing to you, even if he claims to be sorry.  I love you, I do, and I've warned you, I have, everything else is out of my hands.  Hate me now if you must, but remember me when things start coming to the surface, I won't say I told you so, I'll simply open my arms and say how can I help you.  That's who I am, I'm no magician or miracle worker, I'm a simply a good man with a good heart who wants you to be happy and not used.  Read deeper into his actions, read deeper into his words, get to the core and reveal all.  If needed, treat him as he treats you.

You made the offer to be there for me, and as I said before you didn't have to, but you chose to, and I believed in you, and it meant the world, but when you dropped your offer without warning, that hurt more than you ever know, I wish you would have never offered to help, if you never really intended to.  So the next you ask yourself what did you do, now you have an answer, you offered something to a vulnerable friend that you never intended to deliver upon.  And whether it was by your choice or not to back out, it doesn't change the fact that you did.  Think for yourself, follow your heart, don't be controlled, open your eyes.  I'm sorry is meaningless if nothing changes.

Ask yourself this, what do I have to lose or gain by saying this, there is nothing saying we'll be together.  I lose everything and gain nothing, other then knowing I tried my best to help you see things.  I do understand you, I always have even when you thought I didn't, I may not have always agreed, but I always understood, you are smart, you are strong, and I will always love and believe in you.

Last Call

Remember this, your life isn't your's until you stand up for yourself against anyone who tries to control or manipulate you for any reason whatsoever.  Be you, do what makes you happy, do what you feel is right, not for any other reason or person but for you.  I cannot stress that enough.

This is what has changed about you, and you don''t even see it.  Your fears have got you blind to it.  Love is not controlling, love is freedom.  Love is not making someone feel guilty, love is trusting someone without having to question them.  Love is not always looking behind your back, love is blindly moving forward on mutual respect and trust.  Love isn't reminding someone how lucky you are to have them, love is already knowing and letting your action speak volumes.  If you think someone is cheating on you, then most likely they are or they will because you've planted that seed.  Love is unconditional, love doesn't fade or go away, love is trust, love is faith, love is never meant to tear you down.  Love doesn't use you, love doesn't give to you only to hold you captive, love gives only because they love you and no other reason.  Love isn't a business relationship, love isn't just convenient, love stays through the bad and the good.  Love doesn't make fun of people, love doesn't brag or boast, love reaches out and helps, love is shared with all.  Love doesn't ignore you, love doesn't hold you away from others who treat you right, love embraces kind hearts, love trusts one another.  Open your eyes before it's too late, I'm not saying I'm the definite answer, I'm not that bold or dumb.  But you deserve better than what you got.

You are smart, you are kind, you are strong, and you can survive on your own.  God has you, trust in yourself.  Damn it, wake up.  You shouldn't feel like you do something wrong just because someone doesn't agree with you, especially when what you do is amazingly right.  I see it, I see what you are and can be, and I just want so bad for your sake for you to embrace it, because damn you are what this world needs.  You're letting yourself be held back, don't let anyone, including myself, control you.   Stand up, walk proud, take charge, you can do it, I know it.  I love you so much, that I just want to see you succeed and be happy, even if I'm not involved.  Love yourself, don't love someone else to make you think you love yourself, no, really love yourself, be you, spend your life with those you really care about, don't worry what anyone else thinks.  Because if they really love you, they'll stay by you no matter who you spend time with.  Think about it.  Unconditional, means zero conditions, telling you who to talk to and not talk to in order to be loved is a condition, you deserve unconditional love.  All I ask from you, is do what you love and be who you love and spend time with you love.  God has put people in your life for a reason.  I can't be more blunt.  Even the devil has a smooth tongue and gifts, even the devil quoted scripture to try and tempt Jesus, I know you have a feeling your gut, trust yourself.

I love you no matter what you decide, I just want you to be happy for life, and not just for a moment.  Understand that please, and I personally don't care what anyone but you think about it.  I might upset you or someone else, sorry, but sometimes the truth needs to be said for better or worse.

Too Much

You know, every has a breaking point in life... and sometimes people just don't see what havoc they're causing rather it be intentional or not.

Yes, I love you, I love you will all I got.  Sorry, if I'm not going to remind you how lucky you are that I love you, sorry, if I'm not going call you out if you hang with other people, sorry, if I'm not going to think you love herself because you spend time with other people, sorry, if I don't put you down to keep you down, sorry, if I don't hurt you in an effort to so you how great I am.  No, I'm not about any of that, you know why, because you love you.  And I do realize how great you are, and while I know I'm amazing, I know you are amazing as well, I don't see you as property or a possession, I see you as an equal, an equal who is more than capable of holding her own in life.  I could have tried to control you, but that isn't what I feel is love.  I love you for who you are around me and everyone else.  I don't believe in this reverse psycho bullshit.  I believe in trust and two people loving each other as God intended.  God never put his hands on those He loved, He never put down those He loved, He never accused those He loved in a false way.  No, God just simply loves us, and that is the example I choose to follow. 

If you want to let someone push you around, or hold you down by threatening to leave you in ruins, then you deserve it.  But I'm the man who loves you for you, and no matter what happens will work by your side together, rather than trash you and make you feel obligated to do anything.  When I offer my help, I do so knowing I will help no matter what, don't offer help if you don't intend to follow through.  So I'm done, I'm just done, you don't get it, and you never will.  You'd rather be pushed around rather it be emotionally, mentally or physically.  I've been telling you since day one, you are stronger than that, smarter than that, you are a special person, and should let nobody control you.  But until you get that, my love will mean nothing to you.

And if you do really love me, maybe you need to rethink some things you do.  As of right now, you lost me, and really I don't want to walk away, but as long as I stick around, you will always take me for granted, and even you have to admit that is the truth.  I would never try to control, never tell you who to be around, never tell you what to do, because I believe in you and your ability to be independent and know what's best for you.  I truly love you.  It's time you understand what that really means.  Things might be great now, but maybe think a little long term, after 10 years or so, are you still can put up with defending every little thing you do, but because believe me, things won't change over time.

Statement

There are times in life people just need to vent, and believe me I'm not different.  If you don't vent you will eventually implode, believe me I've seen it happen and it's never pretty.  But just because you vent, doesn't mean you're playing a victim to anything.  Too many people jump to that conclusion, and it's quite annoying to be honest.  It's actually healthy and constructive to vent, you get ideas out there, and solutions come from ideas.  if you bottle them up they just fester and grow, ignoring issues is the worst thing a person can do because it causes stress which can lead to early death.

I choose to vent through this blog, why because I can let it out and not force anyone to listen.  To me that's perfect, if someone chooses to read, then they do so own their own accord, and I'm fine with that, but don't get bothered if I write something I really never asked you to read.  I try to mask my pain in public, I don't like showing my weak side to anyone, and let's be honest we all have that weak side whether we admit it or not.  I choose to face mine, and conquer it day by day.  No matter what you think of me, bottom line is I always overcome my problems in life one way or another, and that should speak more about me than any words I say or write.

If you want to know where I stand, then ask me in person.  Don't just read something I write and assume anything, that's just stupid.  I'm stronger than you know, because I don't run from who I am, I face my fears and I do something about it, that's who I am.  I'm nobody's victim, and I will die before I become one, and the sooner you realize that the better off we are.

I love someone, yes I do, she is my one and only, but my life will go on either way.  When someone loves you so truly, don't look at it as a bad thing, because love is never bad, rather try to understand why they love you, because reality is it might just be what you need, yet you keep creating excuses why it can't be.  Be honest with yourself.

Bottom line, is this, I know I've gone above and beyond to prove myself to you and anyone else, I know my worth and how rare I am, and I'm done chasing anyone, if you want me, then come take me, that's just how it has to be for now on.  You can make all the excuses in the world why it can't happen, and I don't care anymore, because the thing is anything can happen and if you want it to, then all you have to do is make it happen.

Mixed

I get confused and frustrated at times with some people.  Right now, I have to be careful as I have all the free time in the world, and I have to remember everyone else doesn't right now, as they're busy.  And that's difficult, a lot more difficult than people realize.  I don't want to needy, but I don't want to be forgotten either, it's tough to walk that line.

The woman I love is a prime example, she'll reach out to me, to comfort me and suggest certain things on her own, and while I've learned to hold back my expectations on them happening, it does get to me, now maybe it's simply because I have too much time to think about it right now or I really miss her.  But my point is with her, we don't have to do anything special, just be there and I'm happy, don't avoid me, because that just compounds things and makes them worse.  I don't expect anyone to drop everything for me, I don't think that is realistic, I just ask someone to make time, maybe not a lot of time, but just enough to let me know I matter.

I get it, people get busy and forget, it happens.  But when forgetting becomes habit, it's a little more than forgetting.  I'm a believer if you forget someone that easily, than they aren't really important to you to begin with.  I've always had an insane memory, and maybe that's why it's hard for me to realize how forgetful some can be.  It's just she has her moments where she blows my mind in doing little things to remind me how truly she cares about me, and than she gets nervous and steps back without warning.  I just want her to be confident with me, go all in, just be herself.  I'm not one of those friends who only need her at certain times, no, I love her for her, and having her around at any time under any circumstances is a wonderful blessing.

She has the power to truly make me smile no matter what, and that's love, when someone can literally with their mere presence light up your whole world.  And because I love her, I don't push her like that.  All she has to do is believe in herself, and know she is perfect and I do care for her for herself and nothing else.

Follow through with her suggestions, give me reason to believe in what she says to me.

Reasons

Sometimes I think people read what I write and think I'm up to something that I'm not.  Truth is, I write what I feel at that immediate moment, it doesn't mean I'm trying to do something or cause something.  Sometimes, it's just innocent words or a point of view.

For example, the woman I love, every time I write about it I feel like she thinks I trying something, when in reality I'm really not.  I just want to be honest, I don't want her thinking I stopped loving her when I always will.  I feel it would be wrong of me to not be upfront with her about it.  She doesn't have to be afraid of anything because I love her, because I won't force myself on her, I just don't think that's the right thing to do.  No, I'm more interested in being friends right now, and I wish she would realize that and let go of any other ideas in her head saying otherwise.  She isn't available right now, believe me I know and I accepted that, but things change and we never know when or why or how.  But just because she isn't available, and I love her, doesn't mean we can't be adults and be great friends.  And I want her to always remember that.

I'm more than ok with letting everything in place in both our lives play out, I always have been, things take place for a reason, and we have to trust in the process that God has in place.  It's why I refuse to say "never" on anything, because you just don't know what God will have happen at any given moment.  What seems perfect right now, might go awry tomorrow, or vice versa.  Follow your heart, if your heart says talk to someone, then do it, if your heart says spend time with someone, then do it, just realize your position in life at that time, and know where to draw a line.  God puts feelings in our hearts for a reason, and it might be for the reason we think, just trust in His reason for placing those feelings there.  So when I say I love you, you don't have to get nervous and run, it means you matter to me a lot, and I just want you there as friend and let time dictate where things go.  I'm in no rush, having you in my life in any way is more important to me than making something happen.

Right now, I confess I need her as a friend, I need the comfort, the support, and her smile.  She doesn't realize how much any thing she does right now means to me, I hate asking for help, I'm just like that, I'm very independent.  But even I at times like this realize I need her and all my friends, it's just hard for me to ask.  I don't want her to think I'm chasing her anymore, because I'm not, I haven't for months, but I do love her, and if things happen they happen, but until then I'm more than happy being friends.

Thoughtful Experiment

Schrodinger's Cat experiment, now that I've totally confused you, let me explain.  I was watching a tv show, and this experiment was brought up, and it really got me thinking.  You'd have to google the whole experiment, but basically it makes the point of we don't what will happen in life or any situation unless we actually do it or try it, basically all planning or assuming is really pointless, because in the end we won't know the truth of if it's good or bad unless we try.

There are a few situations in my life I can apply this to.  Let's take me work situation, I haven't been happy for a couple years with my pay, and I was very vocal and honest about it, in the end I was lied to and can now prove it.  I no longer have the job due to me making poor choices over my own frustrations over my pay and treatment at work, yet I never quit on my own out of fear of being out of work. You see, I felt I already knew leaving was bad, yet here I am, and every position I see, pays double or more what I was making there, and I qualify for them all.  So something I thought would be bad, may wind up being the best thing to ever happen to me.  It could also be the end of me as well, but I won't know until I try it.

The woman I love and will always love, same dilemma, I feel we would be amazing together, she feels we'll end badly, and for this reason she keeps away.  Now I'm not trying to start anything, so don't misunderstand.  Right now, I'm ok with friends, but do realize I will always love her.  The truth is, neither of us know what will happen unless we try,  It could good, and it could be bad, but the only way to know for sure is to try.  What this experiment is telling us, is if we really want to live, we have to be brave to try, even if it kills us.  I for one, would rather die trying, than live wondering what if.  Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe my eyes are finally open.  Right now, I just need her friendship, and honestly I need her friendship a lot, so I don't want to mess that up at the moment, because she just started talking to me some again, and I want that.  But I want to open and honest, I do still love her and I will always love her, she can't take or change that about me.  But trust me, trust me to respect her enough, to hold my love back unless the time is finally right for me to let it loose.  I both love you and respect you, and I will always take the current situation of her life in mind. 

I know I'm stirring the pot a little, and I don't mean to really, it's just this experiment really got me thinking.  It's simple, yet so deep.  If you try, you either live or die, but either way you know, and by knowing you are relieved the stress of wondering what if.  I'm not saying things won't hurt still, they'll just be a more understanding and manageable hurt once you know you tried.  I'm going tell you what I think, and I could be right and I could be wrong, I think I'm going to not only land on my feet, but get a better job all around then what I had, I think losing my job will be an immense blessing, and I think my love is real, and I believe in time somehow things will work out, don't know how, and it might be years from now, but I believe it.  Now truthfully, I won't know until I try.  But a positive attitude never hurt anyone.  I for one, don't want to wonder what if about anything like that, I'd just assume risk it all and try, to me that brings me real peace of mind.

Frustration

It's only been a week and already I'm growing frustrated I admit.  I haven't heard back on anything, and while I understand it's still early, it's just frustrating to me.  I want to be busy, I want to be working.  It's hard when things are beyond what you can control, I don't do well with nothing to do and being alone, not a good situation for me to be in for an extended amount of time.  I'm never giving up, but trust me the frustration is there and growing fast, I try not to show it, I want to stay positive, but I'm a doer and I hate sitting.  Just a vent.

Adjustments

Only constants in life is change and God.  That's a truth that will always stand true.  Changes, major changes, have rocked my world lately.  And not the good kind, well not yet at least.  The work life change doesn't hurt so bad, but what does is not being able to see certain people as much as I use to.  Well, mainly my close friend.  And while I know we'll still see each other whenever we can, it just sucks because well I know how busy things get and time just slips away.

That's something I don't handle so well.  It's frustrating, because I know we both want to see each other, I know neither of us ever avoid each other on purpose, but time just hasn't always been there for whatever reason.  One blessing I guess I can say, is we never doubt each other, we understand things come up, but it doesn't always make it easier I suppose.

In the end, I understand we'll always be friends whether we see each other or not, I get that, and I love that about my friend.  But it's rough on me also, I'm the type of person who needs the interaction, I've always been that way, right or wrong.  I want to share myself, and I want to enjoy life with friends while we can.  I've always believed time is short for all of us and tomorrow isn't guaranteed, so I cherish our time we get to hang out.  And I'm like that we anyone I care about.  Am I wrong for that?  I don't know honestly.  I can only say how I feel about it.  It's a fine line, I want to give space, but without work I have so much free time it's killing me, I miss people more, more thoughts run through my head, it just isn't good, and few understand that unless they've lived it.

I love friend, really all my friends, especially the one's there for me now, and believe me they're doing more than enough for me, and I'm thankful.  So this isn't me saying anything bad about any of them, it's simply me letting out some demons running through me.  Idle time is the devil's playground for a reason, I'm fighting, I truly am, but it isn't easy at all.  I can't demand or even ask for someone's time, that would be disrespectful, no, someone's time should always be giving by their own choice, I will always believe that, plus when you allow it to be their choice, I promise that time will mean so much more.  Just some rambles I suppose, one day at a time.

Senseless

It's been a slow process, and frustrating, but I have some things working right now, nothing worth getting excited about right this moment I confess, but nonetheless things are moving along.  Losing a job is tough, especially when you worked as hard as I did to get there the right way, even more so when you feel you could have been saved if certain people had your back and took a stand for you, but alas, at least now I'm aware of their true colors.  Truth is, I kept pretty much quiet about, I felt the people who knew about it could save me if they wish, but for whatever reason they chose not to.

Thankfully, my friends, my real friends have stuck by me, and for that I'm eternally thankful.  I was loyal to my job, even if at times they didn't exactly look out for me, I stayed loyal.  And if I have to be honest, I really didn't know what I did was so serious, I didn't gain anything from it, and I never even got a warning, it just seemed fishy to me.  I had never been in trouble there, never written up, my personal records file was clean as a whistle, yet one screw, that I confessed to mind you, and they drop me without a fight, just doesn't seem right, especially when I know for a fact there are people still there high up who have done much worse, and others in the past who did much worse and they got chance after chance, it just confuses me.  Part of me wants someone to question them about why they did it to me, and chose to let other's slide constantly, but then I wonder what would it solve really.

If they asked me to go back, would I even want to.  Honestly, I don't know.  I know if I did, it would only be on my terms, or I wouldn't come back at all.  I've already heard the stories about how they are starting realize what all I did, and my old department is falling apart fast, it's funny I admit, but I it's not fair to the department itself that didn't want me gone.  I know eventually they can replace me, but it's going to take them months now, even if they get someone from outside, that department is unique and not like any other department around.  There are people who have been there 20 years and know nothing about it, but I guess the job forgot about that.

I got about three jobs in the air right now, just setting interviews up and such.  And some friends looking out for me, and letting me know about jobs as well.  If I find a good job, I'm definitely going to hook up some friends if I can.  I hate being jobless, I hate being useless, I hate being lazy, always have, I've always been a person who works and keeps moving, I believe in earning a living the right way.  I guess some things will never make sense, and I know God always works things out.  The one's who messed me up, God will let things come full circle one day, I'm just glad I want be there to endure it.  Who knows, maybe God was trying to get me out of there because something bad is about to happen there, you never know, only God knows, but if something bad is about to happen, I pray God gets certain others to safety as well.  I believe in Him.

Wonderful

In the end, I'm only human just like anyone else.  I have my highs, and I experience the lows.  While I wear a strong face and a smile, please realize I get scared too and have my own doubts.  I just choose not to let my doubts and fears define me.  I fight, I don't give up, because as long as I live I believe I should strive for greatness.  If you aren't fighting for happiness, than what are we living for.  I'll save giving up for the day I die.

I have thick skin, a sarcastic mouth, and the ability to talk myself out of almost anything if I choose.  So its hard to get to me, whether it be good or bad, I can always sense with something is really serious or real.  Like these past couple of weeks at work, I knew it was bad, and I did fight, but truthfully I think I was ready to move on, albeit this was sooner then I had hoped, but nevertheless I was ready to go.  My only regret is I left some innocent people high and dry, but understand that wasn't my choice.

I say all this, because I hit a major low right now, and I was blown away at the people there for me, I have a hard time asking for help, but I found out I have real friends and people who really care, and I can't even begin to state how much that means to me.  I'm used to being the giver, and often times I don't expect anything back, so for my friends to care this much means the world, it truly does.  One friend, I expected it from, but nevertheless they are a gift from God, because I know they're busy and have their own issues, yet they care enough for me to still be there, I'm beyond thankful.  Then the other friend, the friend I thought was lost from me, didn't have have to reach out to me, but they did, and reminded me they care for me, and that just really hit me deep inside, I literally wanted to jump out and hug them to death, no joke.  And then another friend whom I haven't seen in months, keeps checking on me, making sure I don't get depressed, and than even my roommate pitched in, reminded me we're in this together.  I mean I'm almost speechless.

I cherish my friends, always have, I'm one of those weirdos that considers friendships on the same level as lovers, and I've always been willing to everything I have for my friends, and now, when I need them, they're there, not just there, but they're there far beyond I expected, and I'm blessed for them.  I thank God for them.  And believe me I will never forget them or their kindness, and one day i promise when I rise back up I will repay them ten fold.  I love you guys and girls so much, and yes I need you all, I need the support, I need the company, thank you, thank you so much.  I pray God blesses you all a million times over, and I promise you all I'm there for you for life.

Right Now

While I know I'll survive, and I know I will never stop fighting, sometimes we all get scared or the unknown.  When in a instant what you've worked so hard for the right way is taken away.  Truth is, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know I'll face it head on with God leading the way.

Even the strongest of us will have our weak moments, but we know those weak moments will never last forever.  I'll never ask for help, even if I realize I need it more than ever.  Right now, I need my friends, I need the one I love, I need the to know I'm not alone in this world, I know this.  However, I realize I can't bring myself to admit this.  You see the one I love and my friends keep me strong, they are my source of energy, they are my drive.

I'm down right now, but I'm not out.  It will take faith and hard work, but I always find my way back to the top.  Somehow, someway, I'll survive.  I just don't want to do it alone again, I need her now more than ever, I need my friends too, I need some support, because right now, it hurts.

Inside My Love

As long as you love me

I'll stay by your side

I'll be your companion

Your friend and your guide

As long as you love me

As long as you care

I'll do anything for you

I'll go anywhere

I'll bring you the sunshine

I'll comfort your fears

I'll gather up rainbows

To chase all your tears

As long as forever

My love will be true

For as long as you love me

I'll only love you

******************************

Now that you are here
I have nothing to fear

With you is where I belong
I know it, I feel it so strong

Nothing has been more clear
That it is your love I hold so dear

Deep inside is the cry of my heart
I never ever want us to part

I am a hopeless, romantic man
Doing the best he can

To show you for sure
That my love for you is pure

I will do whatever it takes
I don’t care about the stakes

You and only you I want
A prayer I know God will grant.

******************************

Until you came into my world,

There was nothing but darkness and gloom.

My world was missing the clouds and the sun

And also the stars and the moon.

I never believed in magic,

But you just appeared from thin air.

I thought I would only be lonely in life,

But now I'm complete a pair.

You make me who I am at this point,

Mold me in every way.

There's not a precious moment,

Where I do not want to give you my entire day.

The passion between us is strong,

Ferocious for those that see.

The feelings that are shared between us.

Me for you anf you for me.

******************************

 In my heart,
I hold your love close,
It's your love I need the most.

I sit here as I watch the sunrise
In the morning dew.
I see the tip of it looking like a flame,
As I'm feeling this burning love for you.

I sit here alone with all my thoughts of you,
Watching the sunlight begin to fill the room.
Thinking of our future,
And all the things that we will do,
You holding me in your arms,
Your heart beating against mine,
As we get lost in time.

As I dream of that distant place,
Where you will always be mine,
In my heart you will always be,
The one, the only one for me!

I don't look forward going through the day,
Knowing you're not here with me.
Thinking of the endless hours,
And the days dragging by.
Why does it have to be this way?

I have a wish for you and me,
And I hope that the good Lord grants it,
For you see,
I wish that you would bring your love back to me.

In my heart,
You will never leave,
So I don't have to grieve,
In my heart,
You're my only one,
And I want you with me always,
Till all our days are done.

Missing

I love her so much, and I miss her everyday.  But it's not her beauty or sexiness I miss, it's has nothing with my desire to be with her forever. No, what I miss more than anything from her, is being able to spend time with her, being able to talk and laugh with her about nothing and everything at the same time, being able to sit next to her and just be us, being able to out and spend time just chilling with her.  That's what she forgets, I'm not like other guys, I think with the right head. 

I mean don't get me wrong, I desire to be with her on that level, that I won't deny.  But she means so much more to me then just that.  Her friendship and presence comforts me, it cheers me up, relaxes me.  I love who she is, her laugh, her jokes, her smile, and God those eyes just draw you in forever.  A simple trip to the mall with her and her daughter, lunch or dinner just for fun, watching tv and chilling, anything really with her was just amazing to me, and her time meant the world to me, and I miss that immensely.

I never have been one to force my problems or views on anyone, I will share my views I confess, but never will I force them.  And my problems, I've always had pride in shouldering them on my own with God, I have trouble asking for help even if I know I need it, I've always been that way, I've always been the first one to offer help to those I care about and the last one to ask for help, I'm just wired that way.

I dream of the day we're finally together, I dream of the life where we're happy together, and it's amazing.  It may not be perfect, but believe me it feels like heaven on earth.  Time with her is easy for me, time with her is priceless, and I always wish I could freeze time and make those moments lasts forever.  When you really love a woman, you see past the physical beauty, and you see who she is and love her even more for that.  Don't get me wrong, even I confess physical beauty is the ice breaker that gets all mens attention, but to keep us in love, we have to love you for who you are, if we don't, then I promise in time when looks fade so will that love.  But with her, I can honestly say, I will love her as much as I do now even when she's 80, I will always love her as much as I do now even if she gets sick, my point is no matter what happens to her physically or any other way, I will always love her completely.  I miss her, and I love her.

Weighing Down

Everybody has burdens, everyone has problems, everyone has stress, everyone gets depressed, that is reality.  But different people handle things different ways, some tell the world, some mope, some stay quiet and implode, some try to outrun them, some ignore them and walk away, some get defeated, and few are able to hold there head up and laugh at them.

I rarely share my burdens with anyone, and believe it or not, while some close friends know of some problems in my life, I can honestly say none of my current know the real burdens I carry, the real reason I am who I am, and live how I live, and love how I love, and cherish everyone and everyday as if it would be gone tomorrow.  It's why I always try to step back and realize everyone else has burdens just like me, and it's why I try to consider that when they treat me a certain way.  The burdens I carry would blow some people's minds, they never would expect someone like me to have been through what I have and let alone survive.  But I'm stronger than almost anyone else on the inside, I face my fears and emotions, and I learned long ago to not be ashamed of them.  I keep everything hidden about me, until I feel I need to show it.  Even when I completely trust someone, I had almost everything about me.  I don't trust, I don't love easy, but when I do, I do completely and forever.

Anyone can talk the talk, but very few ever walk the walk, I don't just walk the walk, I also always deliver.  Maybe it sometimes takes longer than I like, and maybe sometimes I need help from certain people, but I promise I'll always deliver or die trying when I love and trust you.  I have a close relationship with the part of life called "Rock Bottom", and believe me you know it when you hit it, sometimes multiple times, but I've learned how to survive "Rock Bottom", and not just survive by rise from the ashes to succeed and enter the "Mountain Top" of life.  I know how to manage the highs and the lows.  Money, power, sex, or anything material is never the answer to happiness or success, no, those are all temporary fixes that lead to hard falls and lies, if you want to succeed it takes confidence, real friends, real love, self trust, self belief, and most importantly faith in God.  I'm not saying you won't stumble, because the best of us will, but I promise you if you stand up and fight back, you'll always conquer "Rock Bottom".

There are things going on in my life right now that are destroying me, and nobody really knows.  I don't know what each holds, and I'm basically holding my breath.  But I promise I will keep my head high, and do my best, and no matter what happens face things like the man God made me to be.  I rarely tell people when I need them, I hate being needy, but right now I'm struggling, and I need those I care about, if nothing just to be there.  but whether they're there or not, I know I'll survive and find a way.

I'm the man who has a million problems and reasons to hate the world, but I'd rather make time for those I love and smile, and help them achieve there dreams.  I know I can handle the pain, and if I help someone I love lessen their pain, then I know I'm doing what God needs me to do in life.  Maybe I'm not the richest, or sexiest, or tallest, or darkest, or strongest, but I promise I'm real and true to the core, and I am me, and I will always be the best man I can be.  You will always get my love and my best, and if I love you truly, I will always put you first, and I trust God to take care of me.

Just because I smile and laugh, doesn't mean I don't hurt, but just because I hurt, doesn't mean I won't help.  I promise you, you think you know me, but you truly haven't a clue, only God and myself know who I am.  Maybe one day, I can tell someone everything, I know there is one I love I want to tell, but right now she isn't ready, right now she hasn't loved me back like I love her, but who knows, the future isn't written yet.

Little Something

I know it has been forever since I really got to spend to time with the woman I love so much, but I wanted to write a little something on how I felt when I got to spend time with her, and really how I feel anytime I'm around her:

Ever since I met you

You turned my world around

I couldn't have imagined

How good my life would get

From the moment that I met you.

You changed my world

Into something so real and beautiful

That I'll never be able

To forget how perfect you are.

I never want to change

I simply want to stand with you

And help you grow

Into the true blessing you really are.

You make me better

Simply by being there for me

I will always love you

For no other reason

But for who you are.

You make me want to be better

Not just better

But the best I can be.

You are my dream

My drive

My focus

My one and only real love.

Much More

I do not love you for the way you kiss
Though your lips, they can put me at ease
And I do not love you for your sweet green eyes
Though I love when they’re looking at me
And I do not love you for the way your hands
Can touch me and quiet my soul
I love you for all of this and so much more

I do not love you for the way you dress
Though you do look so lovely tonight
And I do not love you for the things you know
Though I’ve always admired your mind
And I do not love you for the way I feel
That first moment you walk through the door
I love you for all of this and so much more

And all I know is you’re the part of me that keeps me strong
And what I want is for us to face forever
Standing up together, eyes turned towards the heavens, arm in arm

I do not love you for the way my heart
Seems to live somewhere inside your chest
And I do not love you for the way your arms
They can hold me until I forget
And I do not love you for the way you’ve been
Exactly what I’m looking for
I love you for all of this and so much more

I love you for all of this and so much more

Set Things Straight

I've been thinking about this blog all day, simply because I believe there is a big misconception and misunderstanding about me and the love I feel for someone.  Somehow or another, people have translated things I've said or written drastically wrong.  So let me get started by saying this, "Loving her has never been the reason I hurt."

If anyone thinks that I hurt because I love her, then they don't know me or my heart at all.  I mean that couldn't be more wrong, it's almost insulting.  Here is the truth about my love for her, when I love her I'm happy, I was always happy when we texted, I was always happy when we hung out, I was always happy when we talked, anything that had to do with her made me happier than I've ever been.  Never once did being with her or talking with her make me sad or hurt.  It's easy for me to love her, because I completely love her and who she is.  Does she test my patience at times, maybe, but who doesn't.  You have to understand I don't fall in love easy, so when I do, it means you've accomplished quite the feat.

Now, what does hurt me or make me sad, is missing her, is missing that happiness she made me feel.  That feeling that she doesn't think my love matters, or that my love isn't important to her, the empty feeling as she pushes me away when I love her unconditionally.  The feeling that she is punishing me for loving her.  That's what hurts.  The feeling my love wasn't even worth her giving us a chance.  That is what causes the pain.

When I love her, and get to spend time with her, I'm the happiest being in the world, I feel invincible and incredibly lucky and blessed with her.  Even now, when she pushes me away, the brief moments I get to see her make me happy.  She is the one person in my life that her mere presence makes me happy, she really is special to me.  And it will always be easy and natural for me to love her.  She has never been a burden to me, she has always been a blessing.  She is the glue that kept me from cracking, she's the kick in the ass that kept me motivated, she has always been my everything.  Even when I complain at times about her habits, I still find myself loving her for those very same bad habits.  I can't help it, I love her.  I can't believe anyone would ever think I hurt because I love her, that is simply insane.

Losing her, losing my friend, losing my happiness, that is what hurts.  The more you ignore me amd push me away, the more I hurt.  If you had just left things alone and even stayed friends, I would have been just fine, but you couldn't do that, you had to push me away and that is how you hurt me.  I love you, I trusted you, I believed in you, and I stay loyal to you, yet you pushed me away.  The thing is, even though you've hurt me and pushed me away, I still love you.

There is a woman interested in me, and I'm interested in her, but I'm afraid, because I don't know if I can love her right.  Because I still love someone else with all I have.  I want to give her a real chance, I do, I want to believe it could work, but I also know where my heart lies and deeply grounded it is.  And I haven't been able to change my heart for years.  I have every intention of dating this woman, and giving it my best effort, but I don't want to hurt her if I realize I can't love her.  But reality is, that's where I'm at.  When love someone like I love the one I love, its nearly impossible to love anyone else, and at least I can admit that.

I don't know what to do honestly.  But I know loving who I love has never made me sad, loving who I love has always been easy and made me happy.  But missing said love does hurt, and if you pushed me away because you thought me loving who was hurting me, then you were deadly wrong in every possible way.  All you ever had to do was accept me for me, accept my kindness, friendship and love, that's you ever had to do to keep me happy, you just never realized that it was that simple.  I'm not a complicated person, I like to keep it simple, that's all you had to do.  I wish you would stop mistranslating what I say and write, and simply realize my love for you is real, very real, and always will be.  And I know the misunderstanding here isn't meant to hurt me, it's innocent in its way, but don't misunderstand me and then assume your right and that its truth, you don't know my mind or heart, and there are times I wish you could walk a day with my heart.

Time To Think

Forgive me if loving you is wrong, forgive me if trying to help you succeed and grow is wrong, forgive me if being willing to lend a helping hand is wrong, forgive if being a friend to you no matter what was wrong, forgive me for giving you all I had simply because I sincerely care for you.  Was I perfect? No, but I never said I was. Was I real with you?  Always, you were the one I completely believed in.  For whatever reason you also looked passed the good things I did for you, you always ignored them or chose to admit they were there, you seemed to always wait for me to mess up so you could use it against me as an excuse to walk away.  No matter how much I stood up for myself, you always forgot the good and stuck to the single most recent bad between us.  And quite honestly, you hurt me as a result for that very reason more than anyone or anything has ever hurt me before.  Do you know how it is to being completely in love and loyal to someone, and then they wait for you're one mistake and never let you make up for it.  When you love someone like that, that wound never really heals, it scars you, and you wear that scar forever, and it alters any future love in your life.  It makes you look at love as a curse, it makes you question why loving someone is really a good thing in life, it makes you wonder if love is truly good or is it just plain evil.

You don't get it, you don't understand how much your careless words and lack of actions hurt someone who truly loves you.  You sigh, and say why can't you move on, but that's what you don't understand.  I don't have a crush on you, I don't love you for your looks, I love you completely for you, and I want you to grow and succeed, I want to help you grow and succeed, and you are everything to me whether you realize it or not, when you love someone like that, and feel like you never really had a chance to try, then I'm sorry, you can't ever really let go.

I wish I could call you trash, I wish I could bad mouth you, I wish I could forget your good and hold your bad against you, but I can't because that is not who I am, and I love you, and I choose to see the good in you.  Are you perfect? No, but I never expected or wanted you to be.  You pegged me for something that isn't who I am.  You've always come first in my life, nobody else was ever more important to me, you just chose to believe otherwise on your own.  And just because you believe it to be true doesn't mean it really is true.

I don't know how many other ways to tell you I love you, I don't know how else to show you I love you, you've tied my hands so many times, yet I always come through for you still, and I always manage to show I love you still.  My loyalty to you has never faded or weakened, even you must admit that.  My love for you has never died, even you must admit that.  Maybe I'm blunt and outspoken, make I'm too honest and open, but believe me I never say anything with the intent to cause you harm or pain, I may say some things that I intend to be constructive that night be taken as insulting, but my intents are pure and true.

Maybe I'm strange, but I always believe when you love someone who has kids, you love the kids too or it won't work.  Because to me, kids are just as much a part of her as her body, mind or soul.  I believe you love anyone in her life who is close, I believe when you love someone you trust them, and you don't constrain them but rather encourage them to grow.  You see me willing to wait for you as a bad thing, but think about it, that's how much I love you and believe in you that openly willing to make you the most important person in my life.  To me you more important than money, sex, work, friends or anything else.  I just wish you would stop doubting me, and stop trying to find what is wrong with us being together, and start seeing the positives and how true I've been to you even when you give me every reason not to be.  I will always forgive you no matter what you've done in life, I will always love you, and my opinion of you will always be positive and loving.  I just wish you'd realize how true my love really is, and what you are pushing away.  You forgive so many others, you give so many others a chance in love, so more than once who treat you much worse, yet you choose to ignore my love and ignore any pain you may have caused me.  As long as you are not a big part of my life, I will be missing a huge part of me and who I am, and just because you choose to think you weren't good to me or a big part of me, doesn't mean you're right, because you were a great friend to me and deep down I know you did love me, and deep down even you have to admit we were great together and happy.  You always run from the people who truly care and try to be there for you, I don't if you think you don't deserve it or what, but you do deserve love, you are worth the truest and purest love around.  You always were more than enough for me, you just never realized I really loved you for you, one day I hope you finally understand that.

Differences

We all have our dark secrets, whether it be mistakes we made in the past we're stilling paying for, or secret desires or hobbies we enjoy that we're afraid to admit, but and believe me when I say everyone has them.  But with me, that's the beauty of truly loving someone, when you truly love someone who love them no matter what, no matter what secrets they might have, good or bad.  Mistakes happen, desires are natural, but in the end we have to realize that those very mistakes and desires are a what made the person we love into who they are.

And that's how I love her, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her.  I would never judge her, I've always been accepting of people's views, that's what makes this world so great is our differences, if we were all the same, then we'd all be pretty bored all the time.  I never look down on her, in fact I always try to look up to her, because I both love and respect her.

I don't want her to ever be ashamed of herself or her past, she should be proud instead, because whatever happened has made her into a wonderful woman.I hope she is never afraid to be honest and open with me, and trust me I want to be the same with her, I promise I will never run away from her, I will always support her, because I love her.  Let me love you, let us be together, let me prove to you I'm the one who is meant to make you happy for life.  Give us a chance, take the risk, and I promise you'll never regret it.

Could Be

Never know, never know
Never know, never know
Never know, never know
Never know, never know

Johnnys got the money, but he's rude and me so cold
Rude and me so cold, but she's with him though
She said I'm sweet as honey but I'm broke as a bad joke
Broke as a bad joke, which makes me a no go
She's always talking bout
She looking out for the right guy
But she just can't find
So in the mean time
She'll deal with this
The guy that's rich
But he might make her cry
A fellow like me get no try
And I just don't know why, don't know why

What she doesn't see
Is that I just might be
What she looking for
What she looking for
If you look in my heart
Girl and not my money
What you're looking for
What you're looking for
Could be me
What you're looking for
Could be me

Never know, never know
Never know, never know

She could do better but the money is her drug
Money is her drug, she's only tough
Uh girl I may be poor in paper
But I'm wealthy in real love
Wealthy in real love, I got more than enough
But she wants nice cars and fancy things
Even though she may be suffering
And I'm gonna treat her like a queen
But can't afford the crown, though she turn me down
A million dollar home, don't feel the same when you're alone
I really wanna show her so much more than dough
But the girl won't put me on yeah

What she doesn't see
Is that I just might be
What she looking for
What she looking for
If you look in my heart
Girl and not my money
What you're looking for
What you're looking for
Could be me
What you're looking for
Could be me
What you're looking for
Could be me

She keeps on searching for the wrong man
With the iced out Cartier arm band
So mean but he look like Tarzan
Little bitch but he act real hard man
And she don't know
I got a heart made of gold
And the diamonds in my eyes are the size of the globe
Grade A, not a average Joe
But you never know, never know
And when you're feeling scared and alone
I could be the one to answer the phone
Boss up like a CEO
One half, MKTO
So baby when you're done looking for the top
I'm a be everywhere that he's not
I got everything and more than he's got
It could be me, give me a shot

What she doesn't see
Is that I just might be
What you're looking for
What you're looking for
If you look in my heart
Girl and not my money
What you're looking for
What you're looking for
Could be me
What you're looking for
Could be me
What you're looking for
Could be me

Forever

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?
But watching you stand alone,
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow.

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Risk and Reward

I'm not perfect, but neither are you or anyone else.  And as I won't hold your mistakes against you, I'd appreciate the same back.  I love you, that much is true and will never change, but even I can't predict the future.  I don't know what life brings tomorrow or the next day and so on, but I believe my pain I feel when missing you will lead to a great reward and blessing.  I don't feel living you is wrong, because I love you for the right reasons and I believe you are a truly wonderful person.  Sometimes I feel you psyche yourself out a little and limit yourself by deeming something a success or failure before you really try simply because you feel you know what will happen based on your own personally feelings, but in time you'll learn from that and realize not even you can predict the future.  Many times the one thing you just knew would fail winds up being your greatest success and vice versa, God has a way of doing this to prove how little we can predict things and prove we need to always have an open mind and heart.

I know you doubt me and my love, you doubt we can work and you feel we'll only lead to heartbreak.  But let me ask you this, what is this based on, it's based on you constantly refusing to give us a chance which does break my heart, that isn't a viable fact, because you haven't given us chance, therefore you have no facts or real proof we would fail.  Sometimes you just have to give things a real chance, and if we get hurt then so be it, but the reward could be a lifetime of happiness and love.  Don't you think the risk is worth the reward.  What do you have to really lose?  If we fail in love, you're afraid we might lose our friendship or more, I understand that fear, but let's think about it.  By refusing to give us a chance, and you realizing I will always love you, you still have lost what our friendship was.  So now you risk losing something without even trying, you placed us in a no win situation with your doubts.  That is why I say we risk it all and try, if we're going to lose something wouldn't you want to know you at least gave it all you had to try.

You say my heart is amazing, is my heart not worth your love and a chance.  A loving heart will conquer great sex, money and good looks in the grand scheme of life everytime.  Why do you think God preaches about having a loving heart more than anything.  Love conquers all, real love, it's what motivates us to go beyond our limits and do what ever we must to succeed.  Everytime you've loved for sex, looks, or money or anything material, where has it really lead you.  It's lead you to doubt, heartache, someone cheating on you, or you becoming dependent on someone.  I say learn to step outside your box and hear God's will and see the blessings He has placed in front of you for years now, sometimes He is trying to tell you that you're looking for the wrong thing.  My love for you is pure, and I understand for you to give us a chance you would have to risk something you're scared to right now, but believe me I won't let you fall and anything you are scared of losing I promise I will either replace it or upgrade it for you, you're worth it. 

I'm the total package for you and you alone, there are things I'm willing to be and do for you, that honestly I would do for nobody else.  I'm ready to commit myself to you forever, I'm that confident in my love for you, and God has given that great of peace in my love for you.  I pray every night for God's will to be done, and every night He reminds me why I love you and why He has you in my life.  I know you doubt this, but it's true.  In time I'm sure things will be revealed, I'm just so ready to be happy in love with you now, I hate waiting, because every day we wait is a day we lose in life.  And believe me, I've already paid a hefty price in years loving you and waiting on you, but to me you're worth it.  You've placed me in a spot where I can't ask you out, so I need you to step up and open that door back, you ran away and it's up to you to run back, but when you run back how about this time you actually give us try before you get scared of real love again.  I am the real deal, that I promise.