Always A Reason

Sometimes the best way to send a message is through silence, and honestly I don't do this very often with anyone I care about.  I have to be pushed pretty far or hurt pretty bad to resort to silence, but there are times I know it is my only choice to prove my worth, to prove how much they mean to me.  If I go silent, especially to those I care and love, then trust there is a very valid and strong reason, and often times I won't budge, because the whole point of the silence is for them to know they hurt me, blew me off one too many times for whatever reason, or their actions are just repeating themselves over and over again.  I promise you I am very observant and know way more than I let on, I have way of finding things out.  Many times, I'll let things play simply because I no longer care anymore on stopping it.

There are times in life, I could have won fights and made arguments, but chose not to because to me it was no longer worth the fight.  Sometimes you just realize your down where you're at and are ready for better things.  When I go silent, it doesn't mean I stopped caring for you or loving you at all, because trust I do more than ever, but it means I want to matter to you enough that you're willing to chase me down, you're willing to make things happen with us, maybe I've grown tired and hurt of being the only side making that effort.

Maybe I've tried time and time again to prove my love is real and strong, and its shunned or shrugged off so many times that I'm leery on trying anymore.  This means if things are to happen, it has to start with you now, not me, I've made my tries time after time, you can't deny that if you're honest.

I'm good in life, I'm happy with my job, glad I'm no longer where I was because I was ready to be done there, it's why I didn't fight to stay.  I see all the time, people saying do for yourself and I'm happy doing for me quotes, but deep down those people miss the whole point, true happiness goes beyond doing for yourself, true happiness is for no reason at all doing for others.  People often forget one of Jesus' biggest stories in the Bible, the Good Samaritan, the one who does for others first are living the Godly way.  It's so simple, God will take of you, let Him, and let God use you to help others, not for personal gain, but simply because you can and they need it.  This world is so much bigger than any of us, we all matter no matter what, the more people who get that the better off we are.  Don't worry what other's think of you, if you're living the Godly way, then trust God's opinion is the one that matters.

Everything I do is out of love, and I'm still here, I never left.  But I will not allow myself to be hurt over and over again, I know my worth in life, it's up to you to realize as well.  You mean the world to me, I've proven that to you, but I beg anymore, no matter what happens I promise you I will be happy and just fine, because I know God has me.  I'm not afraid of life.

Not Much

I'm not going to say much mainly because I don't have much to say.  When someone or something matters enough to you, you are willing to roll the dice and take every chance you got on them even if you know there is a chance it could end bad.  Because on the other, there is also a chance it can be the greatest decision of your life.  Never count your chickens before they're hatched, the future is always untold and unknown.  I never left you, and I've stayed true to who I am and my heart as I always said I would.

Still Here

Truth is I still haven't given up on her, truth is I never will because I love her and believe in her.  I know her better than she knows and better than most, and she isn't perfect I confess, but neither am I, but what she is to me is the greatest woman I've ever met.  And it doesn't matter how the rest of the world sees her, all that matters to me is how I see her.  Love and beauty are in the eye of the beholder.  I've never cared much for what the world thinks, I've always been proud to have my own opinion in everything and everyone.

One day she'll get it, one day she'll understand how real my love is for her, one day she'll understand why I won't give up on her.  You see, you don't just give up on the greatest part of your life no matter what.  I've had so many chances to move on and get with other women, but the truth is my heart has stayed with her, deep down I know how much I love her and how happy I am around her.  And I choose not to let go of this great love for her in exchange for cheap love in the name of not being alone. 

Every day I will tell her she is amazing, every morning I will remind her she isn't alone is this world, and every chance I get I will pray for her in all things, for one reason and one reason alone, and that is because I truly love her completely.  I keep putting the bait out there, all she has to do is bite, reel me in, she knows how I know.

Different In All Of Us

I am exactly who I say I am, and I have always stayed true to myself. and this can never disputed.  I have always gone out of my way to be there for you, even at times when I knew it might not be in my best interests.  And it is really simple the reason why, and that reason is and always will be because you matter to me and I love you.  I have made every effort to keep us together, to keep us from growing apart.  I have reached out, I have reminded you I still care, and let you know I miss you, I have fought the distance between us because I love you and you matter to me.

It takes a lot of effort to remember every morning to wish you well and remind you that you are amazing.  It takes patience, thoughtfulness, faith and perseverance.  I'm the one who will never stop loving you no matter what you do or how much you try to push me away, and it really is simple, I love you unconditionally in all ways.  I've seen the mountain tops and I've seen the valleys, and I can honestly neither compares to peace I feel when I'm with you.

I can't wait forever, we both realize that.  And others have shown interest, but I won't just give my heart to anyone.  I actually love myself more than you realize, so much so I value my heart enough to only give to someone deserving, to someone who will love me back as I love them.  The thing is when I find someone to give my heart to, I'm willing to give them all I have and more.  The greatest happiness to me, is the ability to provide for the one I love, to give them all I can, to make their dreams come true, and to bring them happiness, these things are what truly makes me happy.

When I do for myself, I feel shallow, and I might feel happy for a moment, but deep down I feel empty.  Doing for others it was gives me meaning and happiness in life.  And by loving myself I choose to me happy, but to be happy I must do for those I love.  Everyone in this world is different, we all find happiness in different ways.  We can all read a quote a million different ways, just to find the meaning we're searching for.

I am very sincere, and very open.  Have I not proven myself to you time and time again?  Have I not come through for you time and time again?  I've always had your back, and I've let our secrets destroy me at times.  I've even been your shield and fallen on my sword in silence for you.  I'm not really sure what more you want out of me or expect from me.  You tell me to be happy, but then you keep from me the one aspect of life that makes me happy.  There is no secret to life, there is no one right way to be happy, there isn't a magic formula or script, in the end we all our different and we all must find our own way.  This is what God intended, for us to make our own choices, this is free will, God will guide us, but in the end it is our choice, but we must realize with choices comes consequences.  I have always placed my trust in God, and for better or worse I always will and I always will be me.  My words are never empty, but I do need the chance to show you what they can be.

This Is What Real Is

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.  My actions will always match my words, in many ways my actions will go beyond my words.  I will never stop loving you no matter how you try to make me stop, I refuse to give up on you simply because I see who you are and I see the greatness in you and I believe in you.  Call me a gentlemen if you must, call me nice if you like, but no I believe helping those I love smile and be successful, I believing in building them up and not tearing them down.  I believe in freedom and not control.  I will always buck the trend, and I will always treat the woman I love right, and like the queen she is.  Everyone wants me to find good woman because I am so loving and will treat her right, I hear that all the time, I just want the woman I love to step up and be that good woman I already know she is.

All I Ask

It really isn't that hard to understand me when it comes to love, and really if you just pay attention you would know what I want and need out of love and the one I love.  I'm a giver, I'm a builder, I am a person who isn't afraid to sacrifice, I am a provider and I am a protector.  All I ask from the one I love is to let me be these things for them.  I am not selfish at all, I want to give all I have and more to the one I love, because to me there is no greater cause in life.

Seeing what I give make the one I love happy is the greatest gift you can give me.   Knowing what I sacrifice becomes a great gain for the one I love brings me happiness and no regret.  I build to last a life time, I plan far ahead, and I cover all our bases for us both.  Let me be your shield, let me be your rock, consume me if you must to succeed, I give myself willingly.  Don't get me wrong, I only do this for the one I love and nobody else.  I don't ask for the one I love to keep up with me or do what I do, truth be told I don't react well when roles are reversed.  I love surprises and I am always grateful for kind gifts, but my true happiness lies in giving of myself and knowing I'm needed and wanted.

I know there aren't many like me, but that doesn't bother me at all.  I have no desire to control anyone, I simply ask for trust and freedom to give myself and help them in love at all times.  Don't question why I give, just know it's out of love, it's how I love.  So many people want to analyze why i do what I do, they think I'm playing mind games or I'm seeking something, but really its simply because I love you and I want to give to you, help you, protect you and so much more.  Let me be me.  I never hide who I am.

Still Time

If you want to know something than ask me.  Don't assume anything really.  Yes there are things in motion in my life, yes everything choice I make is in reaction to inactions or actions by you, but I do still love her.  It's not to late, but even they I want you more than anything and want to for you, reality is what it is.  If you are ready to try and take that risk then come get me, stop waiting, stop stalling, stop worrying, and just come make it happen.  You never know, maybe I'm waiting for that from you.  You already know how I feel about you, maybe I'm waiting for you to show me too.  But know that when I'm gone with someone else because you waited too long, that gave you every chance in the world, but I am loyal in love, and my loyalty is complete to whoever I am with in love.  The window is still ever so slightly open for us, can you seize it.

Forevermore

Yes, I am that guy who will tell you every day how amazing you are, I am that guy who will tell you good morning every day, I am that guy that will pray for you and wish you happiness every day, I am that guy who remind you that you are loved every day.  And look, I get it, when it happens every day it is easy to take it for granted, but there is a very strong reason I do it.  One thing I've learned in life is we are only guaranteed the moment we currently live in, because we could gone the very next moment with no warning.  Life is unpredictable in reality, and some times we don't get a second chance to tell someone we love them.

So I do this to her know I never change how I feel about her, I tell her all of this no matter if she is sad, mad or happy, no matter if she is on top of the mountain or bottom of the valley, no matter the situation I make time to tell her she is amazing, good morning and she matters always.  Sometimes I don't much, but I always make sure to say enough.  I could hold back, wait for a certain moment for a bigger bang, but what if that moment doesn't come, than I never get that chance.

I try to make her smile every chance I get, and I take pride in that.  She knows I am the guy who has had her back since day one, I loved her when she failed, I loved her when she succeeds, I love her when she is happy, I love her when she sad, I love her when she is silly, crazy, depressed, angry, determined, afraid and all other feelings.  Bottom line I have proven I love her unconditionally.  I don't just talk the talk, I always walk the walk with her and she knows this.  No matter how it affects me in life, I'm always right there for her.

This is love, this is how a real man loves, there is no power struggle, no controlling, no trying to change her, no there is only real true unconditional love.  And deep down she knows the truth.  And I close by saying to her, you are amazing, you are great, God made you a warrior and leader in so many ways, you will succeed I know, I love you, and you always matter to me.

Realness

With me, you really have to read in between the lines truthfully.  Trust is really big to me, to love you I must trust you, once I lose trust in you I lose that love as well.  Trust is also big to me in those I love in that they trust me to, if I feel you don't trust me then I start doubting you as well.  I work hard to prove I am trustworthy, and I work hard in trusting those I love, it goes both ways and in some ways for better or worse it must be blind until  a valid reason states otherwise.  To love someone is to risk them hurting you, is to put your heart in their hands in trust that they won't hurt you, it's making yourself vulnerable to someone else in trust.  It sounds crazy I know, but real love is just this, real love is in many ways truth faith, faith is believing without seeing.  Anyone can and will believe once they see it, but the truly faithful believe it before they see it.

Many people think silence and being ignored is what drive me crazy, but that isn't true.  I can handle silence, especially when I know someone well enough, and when I know I have done no wrong.  I believe in God, and I trust Him to let me know when something is wrong, when silence is more than silence.  I am not naive, I am very much so cunning, I will play dumb until I have to reveal what I know.  Timing is truly everything.  When I reach out to the woman I love, and she doesn't respond, I'm ok, because I love and trust her, I know in my heart who she is and how she feels and what she is striving for.  I'm on her side, I'm on our side, and honestly I reach out to her not for my gain, but really to inspire her and remind her she is loved always and never has to face life alone unless she chooses to.

The devil has played games with us often, he has allowed rumors to test us, and we have fought many times, but we never allow the devil win, and the reason is we love each other and deep down we understand and trust each like no one else does.  We always find our way back to each other no matter what we go through in life.  There is something very strong between us, I know this, and she is starting to see this too.  Imagine what could happen if we embraced this, it could be life changing.  I have eternal patience for her, and everlasting understanding, I love her.

Tribulations

I am a firm believer in God, and everything happens for a reason.  And I confess I don't always enjoy His tests, trials and tribulations, I do understand why they are needed.  I have loved and been a friend sincerely and for all the right reasons, I have strived with all I have to do things the right way, and still God has allowed false rumors beyond my control to spread doubt on everything.  While I am angered and hurt and offended, I see know why God allowed this to happen.  You see this isn't just a test for me, it is also a test for those I love.  While I know the rumors are false, and have fought vehemently to prove this, it is times like this I will found out how much those who I love and claim to love me truly do, how do they truly trust me or know me, how much do I truly mean to them.

Will they believe the lies and cats me aside like nothing, or will they see the truth and believe in me as I would them and prove their love without doubt.  Maybe this is why God allowed this to happen?  Maybe He needed me to see the truth no matter what it turns out to be.  I have always been there for them without question, I have always made them my top priority, they have always mattered the most in my life, I have always loved them and trusted in them, but will they do the same, or have they been trying to push me out their lives for some time now.

The truth is I don't really know, and part of me is afraid to know because I know I might not like the answer, but then part wants to know because I might love the answer.  The woman I love, I love with all I got, and then friend I care for I've always considered my closest friend.  So yeah, when I feel pushed away or forgotten, it really hurts more than anything else.  At times I wonder if my time or happiness really matters to them, or does it only matter when it benefits them as well.  It does bother me as well, when they constantly make time for the same others week after week, while always not having time for us week after week, even if we plans they cancel yet magically find plans with others, it's not a good feeling at all.  If they wonder why I've been slowly pulling away, this is why, they have given me the impression they want me gone even if I don't want to go.  I've said it before, and I'll say again, they are like family to me.  The woman I love and her daughter, and my best friend as well in her mother.  I never once lied about my actions or feelings, I've stayed strong in who I am even through the pain and obstacles.  I've watched others give into the world and change who they are, while I have stayed who I am through my love and belief in God.  I am no puppet, my beliefs were given to me for a purpose, and that purpose is not to change by the world, God made us all who we for a reason, so don't waste that reason God gave to you to accommodate anyone.

Some Things

I'm a very rare breed in that I almost never get offended, I have rather thick skin and learned long ago in life that the only opinions that truly matter in my life are the one's that are mine or from those I care and love.  However I am not immune to this I confess.  There are certain lines that should never be crossed, and one of those lines was crossed recently.  And although I understand the reasoning and thought process behind it, I don't approve of it at all.

There are a few things you don't question about me or accuse me of ever.  Do not question my belief in God, I have complete faith in Him and only Him period.  Do not question my loyalty and love for certain people, I would never do anything or say anything to bring them any harm or pain whatsoever.  I have nothing to hide, and have no problem allowing anyone to come see if they need proof.  There are other things but right now these are the two to hit home.  Now while these rumors and accusations are completely false, and really downright absurd, it does bother me greatly that those I love would even think they could be true, no matter where the rumor started.  Bottom line is you know me way to well to ever think this could even be close to true, seriously way too well. Also, if they told anyone else I don't know, plus now every time I'm around them and their friends I'll have to wonder do they know the rumor, and do they think it could be true, it puts me in an awkward spot even if it isn't true.

I've put some pieces together, and I know why they questioned it, and I've figured some other parts of it out I admit.  But listen to me, the person this rumor affected I love very much, in fact I love this person more than any other person I've ever known, this is why I'm so angry, this is why I can't let this type of rumor go, it affects a part of me that is very vital to me, it affects someone that I value more than life itself.  This person I love, I make exceptions for daily, I allow myself to hurt at times in holding back my love so that they might be happy, I wait on them because I love them, I'm ok with putting parts of my life on hold for them because they matter that much to me.  The depth of my love is amazing, and I would never do anything to jeopardize that.

When you love someone as I love her, you let certain things slide, you sometimes set your ego aside for the betterment of the both of you.  You realize you are in it together in everything.  You aren't afraid to let them have control in parts of your life.  Love is shared experience, it isn't wrong to love someone else completely.  Loving yourself is a phrase that was invented for selfish people as an excuse.  True love is sacrifice, for true love to work you have to realize it's about more than yourself, it's about the two of you.  When you love someone as I love her, and then commit yourself to them in love, you have to let that selfishness go.  We are suppose to follow Jesus' example are we not, and loved everyone else before Himself, that doesn't mean He didn't love Himself, it just meant He understood what order His love should go.  God first, others second, yourself last, in the end you can still love yourself and be blessed by God.  Faith in God, faith in love, I have both and I love her, I hope she knows she deserves to be loved unconditionally and equally.  To be loved by someone who isn't trying to change her, but rather is willing to embrace her.  And she knows she should be willing to do the same.

Prove

You want to tell me I'm wrong, you want to tell me you do care and respect me, you want to tell me I do matter and you do love me, you want to prove to me I am wrong about it all maybe even in my love so truly for you.  Well, it's pretty simple really, all you have to do is prove it, show it, live it, make me see it and believe it.  I have proven I love you time and time again, I have proven you matter to me over and over again, I have proven my loyalty, I have proven my kindness, I have proven my respect for you, I have proven my love is real. So maybe it's time you proved what you feel to be true.  Think about it, you'll openly disagree and argue with me, but you never take the actions to back what you say.  Actions always speak volumes more than words.  You think I wish you well and check in on you everyday because I have nothing to do, no I do so because I care about you and want to make sure you're happy and know someone out there loves you and is thinking about you.  My love and heart are huge and real in all ways.

Understanding

You need to understand something about me.  I weigh a lot of things into my choices, a lot of people into my decisions, I wait and get as much information and actions as possible so I can make the best informed choice possible.  I am not mad at you, I am not upset with you, I am not even saying you are bad, the truth is I will always love you completely and wish to spend my life with you, but the thing that is also the real problem.  My love is real, always has been and always will be.  What you do and say matter to me, both good and bad.

Lately things have changed, the truth is the woman I love hasn't done anything wrong to me lately, so I don't want her thinking it's anything she did or said, it's really more so what hasn't happened or hasn't been said, for some time now I've waited patiently for her to find herself and give us that chance, and God refused to remove that love from me, but the last 6 months or so I've felt God pulling that love out for the first time ever.  Truthfully she is still all I want and need in life, and I still dream to be with her, but God has given me options and He knows my dream is to have my own family and time for me is running short for that, I can't forever and still fulfill my dream.  So it's a choice, sacrifice my dream of a family and wait until she is ready and fulfill her dreams, or let go of the one I love and pursue the family I dream of.  Perfect world she'd find herself tomorrow and we'd get together in time to begin a family and both our dreams come true, but right now this isn't a perfect world.

There is someone else who has affected me, a friend who seems to find time for everyone else but me, a friend who always has something happen to keep us from getting together, yet never has anything happen to stop them from going out with  other friends.  I see this, and I can't help but wonder does that friend even care anymore, do they even respect me anymore.  I keep repeating myself over and over about this and nothing changes, I wonder if I walked away would they even notice and try to get me back.  For months this has hurt me, I get excited and think this time will be different, this time they'll keep their promise, and everytime I get crushed and disappointed, so if I act distant please understand your choices made me distant.  Me stepping away is the consequence to your choice to constantly break your  promises towards me.

There is someone at work I've grown fond of and she is fond of me, some things keep us from getting together at the moment, but we're close to being there, if I make this choice I will be fully committed to her even if the woman I love comes for me.  I am a loyal man through and through, and I keep all my promises I can.  I have been very clear of who I am and what I will do, understand you can't say you weren't warned.

Yes I changed, but don't think I changed for no reason or out of the blue, I changed because how you started treating me and your actions or lack actions towards me.  How did you expect me to react?  Did you honestly think I wouldn't be hurt or wouldn't mind?  How many times must I repeat myself on how I feel before you realize I mean it?  Do you even respect me as a friend as you claim?  Things can still change, we can still be, but I just don't know how much longer that door will be open.  i'm just being real with you on this.  Sometimes people stop waiting for you, not because they want to stop, not because they stop loving you, but because they don't have time to wait anymore because now waiting on you is affecting their dreams, and you can't selfish and expect someone to give up their dreams just to wait for you figure out they truly love you.

The woman I love, the past few weeks of talking has been great, you've been amazing and I'm proud of you.  I just felt it's time I consider some things, I hope we still talk, understand this is a personal choice based on what I feel in my heart right now.  If you wish to change my heart, then simply prove it to me with your actions is all.

Sometimes

People often draw conclusions on things I say or write without even asking me, and often times, if not always, are completely wrong about it.  They often think I'm talking about something or someone inclusively or even themselves, when in reality I am talking about multiple things and people at one time.  The truth is the only way you well understand what I mean is to ask me first, not come at me with your mind made up and convict me, but come to me and ask to find out if you're even right to begin with.  Many times it's what is in my heart and not something anyone did, other times it's something I know but they don't realize I know, and believe me I always have my proof to back my feelings up.  But beware, if you ask me, I will tell you for better or worse, don't be mad when I say something you weren't ready for if you chose to ask me.  And another thing, if you're going to ask me, then do so in person, don't text or call, texting leads to confusion and calling isn't much better.

Shoes

There are many layers to me, and many times you will never truly know what I feel or mean unless you talk to me directly.  Many times I might be talking about something you aren't even aware about, or about more than one person.  People often times draw conclusions without all the information about me.  It's ok though, know when it comes to my heart and those I love, I always take my time and do my best to make the best choice as possible for us all.  I never hate, I will always love, but understand one can only do and endure so much.  All I can say, is put yourself in my shoes, reverse our roles, and think how you might feel if you were me, I do this all the time when I make choices, I put myself in your shoes and try to see things through your eyes as best I can.  The choices I make aren't ever easy, but I will always do what I feel I must do.  I'm a man of loyalty and honor, and always will be until I die.

Maybe It's Time

I cannot begin to tell you how hard this is for me to write.  Everyone has a breaking a point, a point when they can't allow things to keep going how they are, a pint when they realize it's time to remove themselves and not look back.  I've been thinking it about for a couple months now, I've seen all the signs, and my heart doesn't lie to me.  I'm very observant and I've always been able to read people and between the lines.  Actions have always spoken more than words to me, and all my actions I've taken have been out of love and an attempt save what was left.

I've always believed in love, life, friendships, relationships and everything that all parties must be equal, neither should control other, and both should want each other around and not push each other away.  I don't use people, I'm there for them no matter if I'm providing help or if I need help, it doesn't matter.  And people know I have given more opportunities than I can name to help keep things what they were, I have given my time, my life, my heart, my respect, my trust, and I never asked for much in return, just simply to want to be together at times.  Respect works two ways or it doesn't work at all.

The truth is, while I've been getting pushed away, someone else has been taking me in.  At first I fought it, I knew who I loved, I knew where my loyalty lied, I knew where my heart was, but the farther I was pushed away, the closer the someone else brought me in, and sooner or later I realized what had happened.  I have become a burden to those I love, I have become a nuisance persay to them, they no longer wanted me around, at least so there actions say.  I promised myself I would never be a burden to anyone, especially those I love, so maybe it's time I removed myself.

I always say people think I will never walk away or leave, but I will when I feel it's time, and I won't look back and almost never come back.  I have walked from many people whom I once loved dearly, and if you ask them, they will tell you I never come back.  It isn't because I no longer love them, it simply is self respect and I don't want to be that burden ever again.

I've had this gut feeling for a while, I've watched it slipping away.  I said many times before I prayed for if ever the time come God to let me know when it was time, and keep putting love in me for them, but now I feel God pulling me out.  We could have been amazing I know, we had God's blessing I know, but for whatever reason I guess it wasn't good enough for you anymore.  I'm not mad, I don't hate anyone, in fact I still love you all, but maybe it's time.  I want try anymore, it's up to them to chase me now, if they want me they know where to try and find me, and if they don't then so be it.

People don't grow apart, someone pushes the other away because they think they found something better, but so many times that something better doesn't work and they try to go back to the one they pushed away only to find they are no longer available or there.  My love is real, it always will be, but I can't allow my love to destroy me.  I've tired of looking forward to moments only to be slammed down when pushed aside.  I'm tired of being forgotten.

I'm not gone yet, but I'm standing at the door with one foot out.  Sometimes you have to go away to prove to someone how much they love you and you love them.  Sometimes you have to risk losing them all, to gain they're respect and prove your worth.  Truth is I don't know what the future holds, I know I wanted them in my life and future forever, but only time can tell, I was in this for the long haul, but only if I was wanted to be there by them.  Should I stay or should I go?  I don't know yet, but I know how close I am to knowing.  Nothing you said, just the actions over time have said plenty, lack of actions and words say more, and when I see people do worse and get chance after chance, it shows me how little I really matter, so I don't know, I just know my heart doesn't lie to me.  Maybe things will change, I don't know, that is up to them if I matter or not enough, either way I will do what I must no matter if I want to or not.  I'm a Virgo, read up on us and you will realize how valuable and loyal we truly are.  I will not fight with you, I will not beg you, I will not try to control you, I will simply let you decide what happens to us.

Good Stuff

Yesterday was a great day, I got to see and eat with the woman I love, and it was a lot of fun, and we really got a lot of much needed talking with each other which we both needed to see if we could still do.  I won't divulge what we discussed here or really to anyone else but her, she knows I will always keep her secrets, but know that the talk was extremely happy and constructive, and I believe we both had fun, I hope to do it again soon if our schedules allow us to.  She knows I'm always a just a call away.  She knows I understand her, she knows I want the best for her and for her to be happy, and she knows she will always have my support and protection.

Times are changing, and right now I got some choices to make, and I need to make them in the next couple weeks for better or worse.  I know what I want to happen, but I also know what is most likely to happen, and I'm 99% sure what choice I'm going to choose right now unless something changes quickly.  I never make a decision lightly, especially one like this.  To the woman I love, I want to say thank you for last night, it really meant a lot to me, and I hope it meant a lot to you too.

Endurance

It's hard when you have friends whom you care immensely for, and would always make time for no matter, and never make a fallback option ever, and you don't receive that in return.  Maybe it's time I just realized I don't matter to them anymore, maybe it's time I just realized they don't care about me anymore like they claim to.  I'm not talking about the woman I love right now, I'm talking about the person whom I considered my best friend.  I can't keep giving them the benefit of the doubt, i can't keep turning a blind eye to them going out of their way to avoid me.  I can't keep believing the lies they tell when then plan on making time for me.  I can't because it hurts me too much to do so.

At least with the woman I love I understand where she is coming from, at least she is honest with me, and I know she is truly busy and not just avoiding me.  At least I know she appreciates me and she is very upfront with me, this is a main reason I love her and I've always understood that about her.  It's because of her honesty i don't sweat it when she is too busy for me at all.  The difference between her and my other friend is I've caught my other friend in lies and they just don't realize I've caught them multiple times, mainly because I choose not to confront them.

The thing is while they've been ignoring me I've had some very intriguing options open up for me the past month, and while the woman I love is the one I truly want to spend my life with, there someone I'm seriously considering giving a chance to, and they've already expressed interest.  And you have understand something about me, if I give this person a chance I will go all in, and this means the woman I love won't have a chance with me as long as I'm with this other person.  I'm very loyal to the one's I love, and I give them all of me first.  I didn't plan this, my perfect world to me is with the woman I love for life, and my best friend, but sometimes people push you away and think you won't find someone else, but the thing is they're wrong.  I'm not like any other guy or friend, I'm very rare in that I will always put those I love before myself, but even I have a breaking point, while I'm extremely patience and can endure a lot, I'm not invincible.  I'm going to give things a couple weeks before I make any decisions, but if things don't change soon, I will give this other person myself and give us the chance I wanted so dearly to have with the woman I love.  They can't say I didn't give them a chance, I waited a long time and left that door open a long time, but I feel it slowly closing now, while it's still open at the moment, it is in motion.  I prayed for God to guide me, funny how things work out.  My friend can try and pin this on me all they want, but they know I made every effort to make time for us and they chose to make other plans constantly, this one is on them and deep down they know it.  The woman I love knows I have given myself and heart to her constantly holding nothing back, I have left our love in her hands, and I will for a little longer, but unless she acts soon things will change.

Answers Given

To the woman I love, I know your flaws, I know your burdens, I know your past, I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice, and all these things do is make me love you even more.  I know you aren't perfect, but that's ok, I know others have tried to break you, tear you down and even change you, but I want you to know there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  Be free, be yourself, you are amazing in every way.  I want to share those burdens with you, I want to hear your past, I want to embrace your flaws, they make you who you are, they make you the woman I love.  I know all this, and I will never stop loving you completely.

Why do I want to be your hero?  Why do I want to take your tears away?  Why do I want more than anything else to help your dreams come true?  Because I love you and you always matter to me.  Also, what you fail to see is you are my hero, you took my tears away, and you gave me dreams I forgot could exist, you loved me when I was at my worst, and now I want nothing more than to always give you my best.  I too have burdens, I too have a past, I too have flaws, and when I was damaged and shunned by the world you still loved me from the moment we met.  I know you don't understand that, but you made me whole again, you gave me hope, you reminded of what love is.

I know I might not be your type, I might not be your typical guy you look for, and maybe you aren't drawn to me, but how many guys of your type do you have to endure and be hurt by before you see that I might be the exact type you need.  God often shows us what we need and not always what we want.  You see, I fought my love for you, I looked elsewhere a lot for what I thought was my type, because at first you weren't my type, but doors closed and God kept bringing me back to the open door with you, and although I was stubborn I soon realized what He was telling me.  He was telling me you might not be the typical woman I seek out, you might not be the type I thought I wanted, but you are the one and only type God knows I need.  It's why I don't waste my time with anyone else, because you are all I want and need and love, and I believe that.

Neither of us is growing younger, we both want a family, we both love each other, and we both would never hurt one another.  I think it's time for us to make this happen, and think it's time before we wait too long and can't turn back.  We've both made mistakes with each other, and we've both learned a lot from each other, and there is nothing that has happened between us that can't be repaired. Baby I love you, and unlike most guys I don't just say things to try and score with you, I say them because I mean them and they are true. I love you, and in my eyes you are amazingly perfect in every way, you are my true happiness and joy.  I'm ready to build my future with you.

Don't Be Afraid

The woman I love is amazing, and I sometimes wonder if she is afraid of falling in love with me because she knows deep down I'm the one.  She knows how real and true my love is for her, and she realizes I'm not like any other man around.  I also understand she might be venerable right now, some wounds and emotions might be a little fresh still, and I get that.  But the thing is I want to be her hero, and I can be, I can take her pain away, I can make the clouds disappear, so let be your hero, let me take your hand and bring you to your dreams.  I bet my life on her completely.

Love can be scary, because love is a big decision, love is a big change, but love is a good change and can bring great happiness you never knew was there.  I won't let her fall, I won't let her doubt herself, I won't put her down.  She is smart, strong, funny and beautiful.  And I have seem men try to break her and change her, but she always stands her ground, and I admire that so much.  Don't be afraid to be happy, don't be afraid to love me, I swear on my life I love you, and do everything in my power to bring you unlimited happiness.  I have done all I can on my end to make things happen between us, now the time has come where she needs to make this happen between us.  I can't keep being the one to initiate things, I need to see her make a move sometimes too.  I love her.

Ready For This

I love her so much, and I confess I want to be with her forever.  She knows I love her, she knows my love is very real and true, and she knows deep down she loves me for real as well.  The thing is I now a little about her, because believe me I've learned first hand through experience with her.  She loves me so much that she is afraid of hurting me, she is afraid of what would happen if things don't work out between us, and honestly in a way I appreciate that because she means well.  Also, I now when loves someone she tends to ignore them to an extent, not because she is being mean or rude, but deep down she is afraid of loving someone completely like that too soon.  I get these things, I truly do.

But she needs to understand something, this world isn't perfect, there is no sure thing in life.  Love, just like all things is a risk, the thing is you decide if that person is worth the risk of being hurt.  I made that choice long ago for me, she is worth the risk, if I get hurt and things end badly with us, so be it, because I love her that much and to me it's worth the risk.  Also, I'm that confident in my love and in her, that we are meant to be, and that we will last in love forever.  Confidence is a big thing in life and love, and I am completely confident in us as a couple.

Think about it, she could go find another guy just like every other guy she dates, or she could run back to one of them, but in the end there a reason these type of relationships with these type guys ends like they do.  Why keep repeating the same mistakes?  She knows I'm not like any guy she has dated before, I am different, I mean what I say, my actions match my words, and my heart is limitless, and she knows I do everything I can to be there for her and deliver on my promises.  Maybe it's time to give the different guy a chance, to give us a chance.  Worst case I'm wrong and we know we tried, best case we become soulmates for life.  She knows I love her completely, if nothing else that should mean something to her.  I've had every reason to give up or walk away, yet I never have and I never will, think about that, think about my loyalty and patience, I will always stand with her.

I confess I want to call her everyday, but I'm not sure if she'd answer or she would feel I was trying to hard.  I really wish she'd open that door and call me.  I want to hear her, I want to listen to her, I'm willing be the one she can't vent to, I want to know about her life and day, I want to laugh with her, cry with her, plan with her.  Texting is nice, but talking is better, and seeing each other is the best.  I need her to take that initiative and I will respond.  She has me in a tight spot because I don't want to come off trying to hard again, she has to make the first move and let me know she is interested in giving us chance.

I've learned to not get bent out of shape or hurt when she doesn't respond, or she needs space, and I've learned how to love her, and I've learned how to read her, and I've learned how she loves.  I know when she is hurting, and I know she can tell I sense it, but I don't ask, because I know her well enough to know she'll tell me when she is ready.  My job is to be ready when she needs me to be there, and I will be.  She is the greatest person to ever come into my life, I'm ready to be the greatest man to ever be in her life.  Maybe she isn't ready for a relationship, but then again I know I can help her heal, ready or not we can be happy together if you just let us be.

Amazing

I love her, the woman I love is everything in my life, and I'm ok with that.  I never take her for granted, I cherish every second with her, and I will never turn my back on her.  I don't seek to change her, I actually seek to embrace her, I want to grow with her together in life.  I'm always on her side.  I understand that us getting together is an unknown, there is a chance would could hurt other, but there is a greater chance we could bring each the greatest happiness in our lives forever.  You can't live on doubts, you can't live on fears, you can't live on assumptions, there are times you have to roll the dice is risk it all.  To me she is worth that risk, we are worth that risk, I am confident we are meant to be.

In her mind, she tries to convince herself we can't be, but deep in her heart she knows I love her more than any other man ever could, she knows I'm the one, she knows she loves me, and deep in her heart she knows we can be.  I think it's time for us both to grow together, it's time we choose together to take that next step between us, it's time we threw caution and fears to the wind and looked our futures in the face and made our lives together.  It's time we let go of our doubts, it's time we took a chance on us.

Don't worry about where our lives our, don't worry about who approves of us, that's why it's a risk, and anything worth having in life will always have a great risk, the greater the risk the greater the reward.  I can't promise perfection, I can't promise it will be easy, I can't promise it will all go to plan, but I can promise you that I will always love you, I will always stand with you, and you will always get my best in all I do, I will give you all of me and more. In many ways in my eyes I belong to you, and that makes me happy.  Understand I don't give myself away easily, if ever.  Let's do this.  Call me, text me, surprise me, make your move, I'm ready always.

You are a strong and independent woman, and that is truly wonderful, don't ever change that, don't ever let anyone convince you they should control you for any reason.  Stay you, and I have always loved you for you.  And though I know sometimes it can be too much, I will always remind you how amazing and wonderful you are, and how thankful I am for you, I always want you to know even if I die tomorrow, that I love you completely and believe in you.  I have always let my actions speak volumes, and you know this, you've said it yourself, I have amazing heart, well you make my heart amazing.  Let's stop wasting time, let's be happy together, let's try what we never tried before together, give us a chance, I promise you won't regret it.

Happiness Is...

You see, what many people fail to realize is I'm happiest when I'm with the woman I love.  I'm happiest when we get to talk, I'm happiest when we text, I'm happiest when we're together, the closer we are the happier I am.  It makes me happy to bring her happiness.  It makes me happy to be there for her.  And the thing is, I truly mean that.  They say do what makes you happy, loving her and being with her and helping is what makes me happy, so I do that.  I truly am happy with her no matter what.  I mean other things can make me happy I admit, but only she truly makes me happy.  It's why I cherish the moments we get between us.  No joke, I could have nothing in my life, but if I was with her I'd still be happy.

When you love some, they bring you happiness, and she represents happiness to me.  Everyone else in the world could despise me, but if I'm with her I'm happy.  I want a future with her, a family, and so much more.  I'm ready for that big step, I'm ready for that commitment.  I ready for her, all she has to do is tell me she is ready too.  Just thinking about her, seeing old pictures, seeing her smile, all this makes me happy.  Even when we've fought at times, and I should be furious, deep inside I'm happy and smiling, because I love her so much.  She might be the only person alive I don't mind giving myself too at all times, I love her so much.  I would rather fall myself, then let her fall.  I love her, I just do.

Torn

First, I want to say I am beyond thankful for the woman I love.  I have never met someone I care for so much, and I know she cares for me too.  I know in many ways she understands me, and I am so thankful she appreciates me.  I will always be there for her, and always love her, and just pray she gives us chance to be together.  I can understand if right now she wants to get things together for herself, and I truly respect that and it is most admirable, and believe me she can and will succeed.  I just want her to know she doesn't have to be perfect for me, she doesn't have to be in the perfect place in her life for me, because I love her just as she is and I believe in her completely always and I will always stand with her.  Just look at the past of all the guys in her life, I have always and will always be the one who never abandons her and will always love and support her.  While I won't force things between us because I respect her desire for space at times, I truly pray she gives our love a chance and takes the risk finally.  I love her so much, and she is never a burden to me at all, I don't care we just chill at each other's house and do nothing, I just want to be with her, I just love her.  I'm so ready for us to be together, I can heal her, and she always heals me.

Now, the rest of this blog has nothing to do with the woman I love, but it does have to do with someone I hold very close to my heart.  I don't like saying this at all, I wish I didn't have to say it, but I've been more than forgiving, more than patient, more than understanding with them.  And even though for three months now I know they've been lying to me, and avoiding me, I've tried to turn a blind eye to it.  Three months thats how long I've been trying just to get some time with a friend, for one I was going to let her vent, and for two I'm dying inside and need some friendship myself, I need to get out every now and then myself.  They know good and well with my schedule I'm only available Friday night, or all day Saturday and Sunday, and for the past six weeks they've had weekends off work.  They know when they go on there other schedule I won't be able too, and I'll have to wait yet another six weeks, I see their plan and it just hurts me.  They give me excuses, and I don't deny there is some truth to them, but why is these same excuses keep us from getting together yet you constantly make time for others to do the exact same thing I've been trying to with my friend for three months.  If your excuses were true, then why do they only matter when it comes to us.  Don't ever say I don't understand what you're going through, because you know while I don't know it all that I do understand more than most, and I do respect and try to work around what you're going through, my point is why does what you're going through only affect our time to get together and not your time with everyone else.  We rarely have a chance to see each other and you know this.  The last time we got together was me birthday  six months ago, and even that was like pulling teeth to get you to make time.  My last couple birthdays it's been like pulling teeth to get you to make time for my most important day of my year, I would never treat you like that.  How would react if I treated you how you've been me, how would you feel if I blatantly lied to you to avoid seeing you, how would you feel if I saw your birthday as a burden, how would you feel if I said I would call you over and over and never?  You say I'm your male bestie, but your actions lately have said otherwise, I don't doubt your love at all, and I don't believe you mean to hurt me, but I'm not an idiot, I know you lie and it hurts immensely.  I'm no fool, I know how you plan to spin this and use your work schedule as an excuse once it switches again, I know you've had countless chances to make time for us, but you've chosen to spend time elsewhere with the same people over and over, the same people you see often.  It hurts more because you are my best friend for real, I truly feel you've turned your back on me, I mean how else should I feel. You can't make time for me in three months, we haven't got togther in 6 months, but I know you've made time for other's multiple times in just a few weeks. Maybe I don't matter to you like you claim I do afterall, if I did you wouldn't lie about it, you would understand why I feel abandoned by you.  I'm done trying, I'm done listening to excuses, if you truly care about me you'll stop doing this over and over, and make things right.  I try to be selfless all the time, I know you can be busy, but don't forget I have a heart too, and it can be hurt just like your's and it needs time with friends just like yours, I just ask sometimes you take that into consideration.  There has never been a time I haven't made time for you when you asked, yet it seems you always refuse to make time for me unless I explode like I do now.  We use to be close, we use to enjoy getting together, I don't what I did to make you hate me, but I still think you are my best friend, why do you want me to hurt so much, I don't get it at all.

Ask One Thing

To the woman I love I ask one simple question.  What can I do to bring us together in love?  I'm ready for this no matter where we are in life, I'm not afraid.  My dinner invitation is always open.  And honestly I want to talk about this with you in person, I want to tell you and show you I love you in person.  I just am so ready for us to experience love together, I'm ready for this chapter in our lives because I feel this will be our greatest chapter ever and longest.  We could spend years thinking about what to do or how it will play out, and waste all those years, personally I say just do it and let's play it by the seat of our pants.  Making plans is one thing, but let's make plans together.  Perfect lives or not, we got this.  So take me, claim me, I'm ready to be all your's.  I'm not afraid of love, I'm not afraid of uncertainty, I have faith and belief in us and God and it's all going to be ok.  Surprise me, take the leap faith, I'm that guy who is different than all the other guys, I'm the one who will always be there for you no matter what, and always love you no matter what.  Let's be happy and in love together, make it happen, I've been very open about my love for you, now it's up to you to make this happen, you know where I stand.

Ready

To the woman I love, all I want to say is I love you completely.  And I'm always ready to get together, my invitation is always standing.  I'm ready to take that next step with you, I'm ready to show you I love you, you name the time and place and I'm there.  I don't want to get too wordy or long, I just want you to know I love you so much, and what I want most in life is to be with you forever.  I'm beyond proud of you, I always pray for you, and you truly are the love of my life.  I am willing and want to be the one for you, and you are already the one for me.  I'm ready to do this, to go all in.

All The Way

Yesterday I vented, but I want one thing understood, it wasn't out of anger at all.  Truth is the woman I love isn't what really triggered the blog, I'm actually quite happy where we are at the moment and she has been quite honest and open with me as of late.  It was someone else I care about who triggered it, mainly because it's been going on for a couple months now of promised calls or get togethers that never happen or always get the maybe next week deal even though they somehow manage time for everyone else.  Anyway, I 'm not here to rant at all.

I just didn't want the woman I love to misunderstand my vent yesterday.  I know we couldn't get together this weekend, and she was more than upfront about it, and it was the first time I tried in a long time, and I know certain things take priority right now.  Honestly it didn't dawn on me until much later that she might misinterpet my vent and think it was about her completely.  For that I say I'm sorry.

I think the person who keeps making excuses to get together week after week know who they are, and I want to believe they don't mean to hurt me, mainly because they're my friend and I want to believe in them.  As for the woman I love, things are good with us, and I'm pulling for you at all times.  I pray for you to get a job and be successful like you want, I happy you got a car, I;m happy your taking steps to claim your happiness and life and dreams, I'm sincerely proud of you in every way imaginable, your hard work will pay off I promise.

I love her so much, and I want a chance with her so much, I do feel this is our time and chance to do this.  I don't want to push things or force them, but I do want to seize this moment.  Don't run from this, this could be the greatest thing for us both.  I understand you more than you realize, I've had years of learning to do this.  And truthfully you might be the only person who understands me I know.  We can do this together, we can be happy, not just pretend happiness, but really truly happy together.  I accept all of you, every last detail, good or bad, I take all of you on my shoulders proudly.  I trust you completely with my life and dreams.  And I will always do my best to make you smile and help you remember how amazing you truly are.  I mean I know you know you're awesome already, but I won't stop telling you I promise.  I love you.  You have my number, you know where to reach me, just take the risk and pull me in, I'm ready for you I promise.  I'm ready to take this all the way with you, all the way too our dreams.

Only Human

Sorry if loving you unconditionally and completely is wrong, sorry if I believe you are worth never giving up on in life, sorry if I see how amazing you are, sorry if I'm willing to give you all I have to give, sorry if I love you for who you are, sorry if wanting your dreams to come true is wrong, sorry if seeing you for more than just a sexy woman is wrong, sorry if not wanting to change you is wrong, sorry if I refuse to be like every other guy, but in the end I am who I am and I love you.

I could grab your ass, make bad pick up lines, be crude and more, but the truth is what does that really accomplish in life for either of us, and all that does is make me just like any other guy.  You see, I love you more than just physically, when I love you and see you I see a future, a family together, success together, happiness together, two minds and hearts in harmony, I see a relationship bigger than sex, money, power on anything material.  I strive to be the best we can be, and to help those around us be the best they can be, and I won't change.

How many guys have given up on you for much less, how many friends have you lost because they thought you weren't worth the fight, think about this now.  I will not and never have given up on you, and I will always believe you are worth the fight, I am the one, but at times I feel might be the only one here trying.  I have heard that making yourself too available is bad, but I believe that is the stupidest statement ever, I mean think about it, all that does is rob you both of potential happy times together, we don't our future and what happens if that time you made yourself unavailable on purpose to make them want you more winds up being the only time you ever had available for real, then you missed them completely.  Seize time, it can not be replaced.

I'm am just like any other human being in this way, I too need time with friends alone to get out, to have fun, to not be alone, to feel wanted and appreciated.  I too have issues, I too have needs, and I too get hurt when those who claim to love me week after week make excuses to push me aside until it becomes too late and we can get together.  While they go out, even if we made plans beforehand, that leaves me empty, that leaves me alone, that leaves me unloved and unwanted, whether the meant to do that or not.  I ask every week because you push it back every week, if we actually did something I wouldn't ask as much, it really is that simple.  But I'm to the point where I don't see the point in asking anymore, I'm getting to the point where I just don't know.  Ignoring someone you claim to love is not a good thing ever, that doesn't show love at all, that shows the complete opposite.

My time is precious, my friendship is valuable, my love is priceless, just like your's is.  I'm tired of playing games, I'm at an age and point in my life I'm to just do this and make shit happen.  Games only slow us down in life.  I love my friends, and I want to see them, and the woman I love is everything to me, I am happy with her, and when I hear form her or see here I'm at peace, she is all I will ever need.  I just sometimes wonder what it is my friends and one's I love truly expect of me, in the end I am human too just like them, place yourself in my shoes, if I pushed you away as you have me how would you feel.  I hold a lot in, it takes a lot for me to speak up, but when I do I'm the bad guy it seems, but understand I didn't want to speak up, I felt I had too or I would die inside.

I hate writing blogs like this, I really do because I love my friends so much and try hard to only see the good in them, I strive hard to be there for them, and I am truly thankful for them.  And the woman I love is amazing, and I only have happy thoughts of her, and I wouldn't change her for the world, and there is nothing more in life I want than to be with her in life forever, to be in each other's embrace and happiness.  I understand what I am a king for when I say I love her, I'm not afraid of her at all, I love her and she will never be a burden to me.

One

Anyone who truly knows me knows that I am an extremely humble man, but at times I choose to speak up and this blog is going to come off that way to an extent I know, but I'm simply stating facts and being real for the purpose to make you think and see some things that might have been forgotten or overlooked.

I love on woman, and I don't want any other woman to be honest, and I will wait forever for her if need be, that's actually a strong Virgo trait ironically we know who we love and we won't give our hearts to anyone else because we value our heart and time.  So understand I am never going to stop loving her, I am never going to give up on her, I am never going to turn on her, and I will always stand with her and by her and defend her and provide for her.

She has this ideal mate in her head, certain qualities she feels they have to be, but I ask are these qualities personal preference or are they qualities that bring something positive and productive to your life.  Remember money, power, sex, looks, material things are all temporary and disappear in a blink of an eye.  Loyalty, forgiveness, honesty, humility, character, dependability, integrity and qualities like these last forever and are the real tools to happiness and success.

Think about it, she has been with several men in her lifetime that meet the qualities she feels are musts to her, and the end each one has ended the same, and while it is none of my business to know why, and I don't know why and don't need to know, they all ended the same.  Yet while all these men left her or relationships ultimately ended, I have stayed by her and continued to be there for her and love her no matter what the circumstances or where she is in life. I have been her constant, I have been the one man who has remained loyal to her and stood by my love for her.  Through her good times and even the bad times, I have remained the same to her with love and support.  Me, the man who doesn't meet these supposed qualities she feels are necessary, I have have been the one man who has truly loved her unconditionally through all things. I will always she the good in her.

I will never try to change her, but rather help her grow while remaining true to who she is.  I love her strengths, but I love her weaknesses too because they make her who she is and she won't allow them to defeat her.  In the past she has hurt me tremendously, but I still love her and I have always forgiven her, because while she has hurt me in the past she has brought me a million times more happiness in my life.  I will never judge her, but I choose to accept her for exactly who she is and always have.  Honestly I just want to be around her, cuddle on the couch and talk or watch a movie or something, the simple things really.  The only reason I push to go out and stuff is because I feel that's what she wants to do, but honestly I just want to be alone with her anywhere.

So does she keep chasing the qualities in guys that keep trying to control her and change her and ultimately leave her, does she keep running in circles with them.  Or is it time to trust that God put us in each other's life for a reason, because we aren't what each other were looking for, but we are exactly what each other needs in love.  Isn't it time you gave my love a chance, gave us a chance, I'm willing to risk it all on her, I completely love her and I'm not going anywhere.  The longer she runs from my love and our relationship, the more time in life we lose.  Life will never be perfect, there will be pitfalls and excuses always, but love, true love will always survive and be there, and I have true love for her always.  Let me love you, let me provide for you, let me believe in you, let me make you smile, let me protect you, let me be the one.  All these men run from you when you stand up for yourself, or they run when they can't break you, all these men ultimately have hurt you and let you down, but I am the one man that no matter what refuses to leave you or run from you, I refuse to give up on you, I refuse to leave you or hurt you, I am the one man who says he loves you and actually means it.  And you know it to be true.

A Surprise

The past few weeks have been very interesting in my life, and it really is hard to explain.  I've been watching things change constantly right before my eyes both in my surroundings and inside myself.  I've chosen to take a different approach lately and hold back my thoughts and words, and let things play out a bit more, and it's very interesting to say the least.  Anyone who knows me knows I have an uncanny memory, I remember almost every thing especially things said, and I notice everything as I'm extremely observant even if I don't acknowledge it immediately.  I tend to notice things and figure them out before I'm told, body language, patterns, the way things are worded, tone of voice, tell a whole lot in life.

Truth is, I'm sure which way I'm leaning right now, because I just don't know yet where I wish to go.  But understand this, no matter where I go I will be myself and I will be successful and I will bring happiness.  I don't wish anyone ill will, never have, I believe God has a way leveling everything out sooner or later in ways we can't begin to fathom.  I'm not here to judge anyone, and I don't really put much stock in anyone judging me because truth is we all answer to God in the end.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and it was the best Valentine's Day I can remember.  I had no plans, no expectations, I was basically going to chill at home unless a friend called to hang out.  Funny thing happened, the woman I love and have loved forever it seems called me, and while I'll keep what was said between us, all I'll say is it wasn't a groundbreaking conversation but for the first time in years I heard it in her voice again when talking to me.  I heard happiness and eagerness to talk to me, that borderline sassy tone, that relaxed woman I always loved, she was back, and it melted my heart and nearly broke me down in happiness.

You see for so long she has thrown up walls around me, loved me from afar, but suddenly she was back.  And I got to see her and her daughter on Valentine's Day even if for a few minutes, and it was heaven.  It doesn't matter what we do as long as I'm with her I'm happy forever.  I know right now things haven't gone her way, but I want her to understand I still believe in her and I never stopped believing in her, I have not wavered on bit, I have stood by her since day one that we met and I always will.  I am that one man who has been the constant in her life since we met, I have not budged, I never stopped loving her and my love has always been unconditional with her.  My dream is simple, to spend my life with her in love, and have a family of our own, and be successful in all we do.

She will live her dreams, and I will be there for her every step of the way.  God has placed an undying love in me for her for a reason.  She will have her successful restaurant I promise, and so much more.  We can do this.  I understand for us to be together we have to risk it all, we have to risk our friendship, and this isn't easy for me at all because our friendship is the most precious thing in my life right now, but I love her so much I'm ready to take that risk.  Mainly because I am that confident in her and my love for her, I truly believe in all my heart that we can stand the test of time, I have no doubts.

I have believed in God's plan, and let things play out no matter how much it hurt, and no matter how much it didn't make sense to me I believed in the love God placed in me and that it all would find a way.  I love her, I don't care what the world says or thinks about it, it doesn't really matter to me, I love her and what matters is how she and I feel about that love because in the end our love is only meant to be between she and I.  That private relationship, I want it to, but to have that I need to know she is committed to me just as I am ready to commit to her.  Either way, I want to say thank you to her for letting me she her and share a small part of Valentine's Day with her, I love you.  There are times I confess I dream of her showing up and surprising me with a visit or hanging out, despite what I portray I love surprises when it's from the one I love.

Worth

I will never understand why people are so quick to move on or walk away from people and things in life.  That is why people don't have lasting friendships and relationships, that is why things always come to an abrupt in.  You can't keep walking away or moving from everyone and everything, because if you do, sooner or later you are going to find yourself alone because you ran out of things to walk away or move on from.

Anything or anyone worth having life is worth fighting for and forgiving and holding on too, if you want something to last then you have stand up through it all, good or bad.  Sometimes things are and people in life are worth the struggle, because quite simply they are that amazing.  When you truly love someone, you don't give up on them, you don't just walk away because at the time it makes you feel better or something.  You have to realize there will good and bad times in all things.

This is why I refuse to give up on her, I love her, and I'm never letting go of my love for her.  She is worth all I have and all I don't have in life.  I know walking away from my love for her or moving on would be the greatest regret of my life.  A regret I'm not so sure I can bare.  I'm happy, never said I was sad, but I always miss her, because I love her and all I want at all times is to be with her, doesn't matter wear.  Just being with her makes me completely at peace and happy.  When you love someone completely circumstances don't matter really, because all you need in life is them.

No price is too steep for her, no limits can contain my love for her, everything comes second to her in my life.  I've been afraid to tell her no, I simply just don;t enjoy ever telling her no honestly.  I always strive to make her dreams come true if I can, I strive to make her smile, to surprise her pleasantly, to make her laugh, to hold her tight.  I love her so much, she is worth all life has to over.

Yes I Will Always, Never Doubt Me

Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

Yeah, you're all I never knew I needed
And the heart—sometimes it's unclear why it's beating
And, love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Oh, truth—I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith—I think faith is having a reason
And I know now, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you

I'll be your eyes 'til yours can shine
And I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite
And when you can't rise, well, I'll crawl with you on hands and knees
'Cause I... I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through (come on)
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
Love, you're not alone
Oh, I'm gonna stand by you
(even if we can't find heaven, heaven, heaven)
Yeah, I'm gonna stand by you

Stay You

Maybe I'm old school when it comes to love, but I've believed you love someone for who they are and not for what you want them to be.  When you fall in love for real with someone it should be unconditional and not with plans of changing them into what you want or believe is better.  We are who we are for a reason, God made no mistakes in creating any of us.  I carry my heart very carefully, and I give it out very rarely, so when I fall in love with someone you can believe that I have fallen in love with every bit of who they are with no desire to change them in any way.

I firmly believe nobody is perfect, this includes myself, therefore I can't expect perfection out of anyone else.  So there is always room for improvement in all of us, we all are one choice away from falling to rock bottom to rising to the mountain top at any given moment.  I don;t have all the right answers, and neither does anyone else no matter how hard they try to pretend to.  Nobody knows what is best for themselves except themselves. 

I say all this for a reason, I want the woman I love to know I think she is amazing and perfect just the way she is.  Can she grow, of course, truth is we all can, but I see her trying to better herself every day, I see her efforts, and I see her plans.  Sometimes she succeeds, and sometimes she stumbles, but believe me when I say she always gets back up and tries again.  Her heart and mind are always willing, sometimes the means just aren't there yet.  But I see it in her, one day very soon, all her efforts will pay off.  And I just want her to believe in herself, stay the course, and don't change who she is and what she is striving for.  I love her completely, and all my resources will always be at her disposal.  In many ways I have come to terms with the reality that I belong to her.

All I want her to understand is she can conquer anything she desires, her dreams are within her reach, but she has to realize one thing, stay true to who she is, don't let money change you or your choices, don't let shortcuts derail you, don't give in to temptation or hatred, don't run from hard work.  So much in this world is manipulated and twisted nowadays, don't listen to it.  No matter who you are, I promise you if you stay true to yourself, do things the right way, and don't let this world change you, then God will find a way for you to live your dreams and be happy.

She isn't always right, but she isn't always wrong.  Truth is, I believe in her and trust her.  I know she is trying and planning, I know she is not lazy, she is looking for that chance, and I know one chance is all she will ever need.  I want to be her man, and I want to be able to provide for her and I am willing and able, but I know she is strong, and I know she is more than capable of standing on her own two feet.  However, this doesn't scare me one bit, I do not fear her strength, in fact I embrace it.  To her I say don't change for anyone, and this includes me, be you and stand tall and stand strong.  Those who truly love you will stay with you and not talk down to you in anyway, those who love you will not try to change you, those who love you will support you no matter what without telling what to do with your life.  Love is more than money, it is more than looks, it is more than power, it is more than sex, love is knowing every strength and weakness about someone and never judging them, but rather loving them and supporting them no matter the situation.  This is how I love her, this is why I don't give up even when the odds are against me, this is why I trust in God to let things play out no matter what.  Just as I say to her to be her, I will always be me.  Don't settle just because of money, sex, looks, power or any material thing, love for real, love without change, love for the right reasons and nothing will ever cause you to walk away or move on.

Listen Up

I intentionally waited a few hours to write what I'm about to say.  Certain issues in this world today I've chosen to remain quiet on, but I've seen a couple things that have convinced me it is time to speak up and speak reality and truth.  Issue number one is about me and who I am, for the woman I love she can vouch for me on this as well and so can my close friends, I have been there for her to help her under all circumstances since day one, I have never asked for repayment, I have never made condition for my help, I have never throw my help in their face.  I simple help because I choose too, because I want to, because I love her and she matters to me.  God says have a giving heart, to give selflessly, and that is exactly what I do and always have done.  It is a respect thing, I respect her completely, and know she respects me back, she doesn't have to submit to me or pay me or give me anything, all she has to know is I'm here for her always and if I can help in any way no matter the cost to myself, I will without a second thought.

Now the second issue, the independent woman, you know I grow tired of men bitching about an independent woman, saying they should be submissive to them because they are a man or because they are trying to help them.  Listen up and listen well, to all the independent women out there, as a man, I say do not change for anyone or any man ever.  Weak men who need control over someone fear independent woman, if they can break you and make you believe being completely submissive is respect and love, then they own you for life.  Which means years down the road when you're married and you've abandoned your friends and quit working and become dependent on him and he decides to cheat on you, guess what you're stuck because you stopped being independent.  Don't be fooled, being submissive is no different then being controlled.  No man or person has the right to tell you how to live or what choices to make, stand up for yourself, show your kids how to be strong.  Now don't get me wrong, we all need help at times, nobody can fight the world alone, but we all have to make our own choices.  And if a man loves you for real and for who you are, then guess what, he won't want you to stop being independent at all. 

Men and women alike are equal in God's eyes, women can do anything a man can do and vice versa, outside of certain medical limitations.  No person, man or woman, should feel that as a condition of love they should have the right to dictate how a person lives, spends their time, hangs around, spends their money, raises their kid and so on.  Any man that feels he needs to control a woman to love her has an extreme mental and emotional issue, they are insecure and weak, and need to look at themselves in the mirror and see the sad man they are, and any God fearing man knows that controlling someone is absolutely wrong.

The woman I love, I love her completely, and I want her to know I trust her and think she is a brilliant and strong independent woman whom I am honored to have in my life.While I will always offer advice, my time, my money and myself to her, I believe in her enough to take those items and use them as she feels is best.  It is her life, she has to live with the results.  I say do you and be you.  Chase your dreams, don't let someone trying to control you and what they claim is love hold you back.  I love her unconditionally, that means I believe in her independence, and if we were together I completely trust her judgement, and she is completely free to live her life as she chooses and be around who she chooses.  Unconditional love means love with no conditions.

So to the men who say a woman should be submissive because a man needs to be respected, strong and so on.  I say to those men, check your dicks at the door, and go find your balls wherever you lost them, if you can't be strong or respected without a woman being submissive to you, then I say what kind of man are you to begin with.  Man up, quit being a bitch, and stop being so damn sexist.  God made woman just like He made man, so wake up and respect her and guess what she'll start respecting you.  You reap what you sow, if you sow controlling vibes to the woman you claim to love, then guess what you're going to get back ten fold.

I would much rather love her and have her know I respect her and encourage her drive for her dreams and independence, than to own her or make her feel obligated to respect me or follow me because I help her.  A man seeking to control a woman for his own personal gain in what he claims is love is the most toxic relationship a woman can ever be in.  I speak from experience, my own Mother was submissive her whole life to my Dad, for 40 plus years, he worked and provided for her and the family, but he constantly cheated on her, and as kids we never knew until we were adults, and my mom stayed quiet and submissive until all 4 of us were grown, now she is dependent on him and can't leave him.  She is stuck in a loveless and sexless marriage forever.  All 4 of us kids disowned our Dad as a result, this is what being a submissive woman will lead to, it takes years to happen, but you never recover.  I wish my Mom would have left my Dad when we were kids, it would have been rough, an we would have done without, but at least she could say she was able to live independently. 

Even a man can't be completely on his own and fight the world, a man is no better than a woman.  To the woman I love, I love you, and I am going nowhere, and nobody will run me off.  If someone threatens to leave you because you won't submit or change for them, then honestly I say call their bluff, if they leave then they never loved you they just wanted to use you.  It hurts, but that is the 100% truth.  To the woman I love, yes you're mom is strong and independent, and she had to be, but look at your mom, she is still strong and she can provide for herself, I don't know about you, but I would be honored and proud to be half as strong and independent as your mom.  I love you, and yes I confess I want to spend my life with you and have a family, but I have no desire to control you, I want you to be you and be free, that is what I can offer you and complete love and loyalty and respect.  (Drop the mic)

Consider

I'm a type of person who looks deeper into life than most, I try to see the long term real value in all things, and not the short term false values.  Money, power and looks are short term, they are values that fade, but also values that can found anywhere at anytime, so these things in many ways are not that valuable after all.  What is truly valuable is time, time is something once you give it away you can never reclaim it.  Once you give time away, you give a piece of yourself you will never have again.  Perseverance and loyalty are two other rare things in life, few people in life understand these things.  Many people look for excuses why love can't be or why they should give up, that means those people never truly loved who they were with or they never truly wanted it to begin with, someone who truly loves someone or is truly chasing their dream will find reasons to fight on, find ways to keep trying, and never give up no matter what the circumstances.

I love her, if I gave up on her, than that would mean my love was never real, and that is the problem you see, my love is very real for her, I can't give up on us ever.  Life and even herself and others might push hard and try to give me every reason to give up, but I stand tall and I say I love her, and nothing will ever change that in me.  I'm the man who finds reasons to keep loving her, I'm the man who finds reasons to keep being there for her, I'm the man who isn't afraid to belong to her.  Most men in relationships seek control of their woman or look for escapes and ways out or reasons to cheat, I pity those men and their weak hearts and minds.

Some say I'm trying to fix things between us, but that isn't true at all.  Things were never broken, she and I both know that.  We both care deeply for each other, and their are times those true colors show from both sides.  We were never a couple, therefore we were never whole to begin with, which means we were incapable of being broken.  No, my dream is reach love with her for the first time, because I'm confident she is all I need, and I can be all she needs.  I'm not going to say I'm better than someone else, because honestly I believe we all are equal in many ways.  But I am very true to who I am, I take promises very seriously, I am extremely loyal, I give all of myself for my love and expect the same respect in return, when I love I go all in with no looking back, I am a man who will my very heart and soul to one I love because I trust in her that much.

Maybe you need to look at me a little differently, instead of trying to run me away, maybe you need to see just how much I do love her, just how loyal I've been to her, and how I've stayed true to her in my love despite everything I've been through, now think about that, I've had every reason to give up and walk away, but I have stood stall and stayed true to my love for her, how many other men or really people would have done the same in the name of love for her.  Think about that for a while.  I'm fighting for what and who I love, and for me that is all that has ever mattered in life.

Try Again

Sometimes things just seem to go straight over a person's head, and it baffles me.  So I guess I'll have to point blankly point it out.  My earlier post in no way was speaking badly about the woman I love, she isn't the one who pushed me away and lied.  In fact, lately she has treated me well, and honestly I've noticed and been thankful for that, but somehow whoever read my earlier post assumes I was bashing her when I went out of my way in a whole paragraph to compliment her....

The woman I love has been the one person lately who has been honest with me, shown genuine concern for me, and made actions to remind me she cares.  I have no issues with her, in fact lately she has shown me her caring side more, and I love her for that.  The fact that this went over people's head tells me that the one's doing the hurting are truly clueless to their actions, which proves my point.

Now, on a side note.  Something can't be broken if it was never given the chance to start with.  My love will not die, I will not give up on her, and until our love has a chance to either succeed or fail I won't give up.  You say stop fixing what is broken, I say it never was reality and therefore isn't broken, I'm still fighting for the first chance because I know how real my love is.  But again this issue is not what my earlier blog was about.  The woman I love has treated me well as of late, and I thank her for that.  Yeah sometimes she is silent, but thats ok, because she shows me she cares other times.

So stop thinking I'm upset with her, because I'm not, I'm actually happy with her, I do feel we've slowly grown closer that last few months.  You need to look deeper than my love for her if you want to find what my last blog was referring to, because the woman I love isn't the one lying to me, isn't the one pushing me away.  The woman I love has actually been honest with me lately, and made the effort to understand me, and the effort to occassionally check on me, and lately she has been my rock and I have been extremely thankful for her.

So to the woman I love I say my last post wasn't bashing you, you have been good to me lately, and I've been thankful for the slow growing communication we have had and hope it continues.  Sometimes someone else hurts me, and maybe they don't know it when they do.  I want to thank you for being their for me as support, you have been very kind.  I will always believe in you, don't let someone else make you think I'm upset with you when I am not, you've been a great friend lately considering what we've been through.  The last thing I want is for the great growth we've shown to go to waste because someone else hurt me and somehow you thought it was you.  I value you in my life a lot, and I always want to help you, and always will help you when I can.

Action/Reaction

I am very observant, I notice everything people say and do, but I don't always acknowledge it or call people out on it.  So in short, I always know when someone is lying to me, especially the more I care for someone I know when I'm being lied too, even the seemingly harmless white lies.  And what hurts me more than anything is two things, being lied to by those who I love the most and being disrespected by those I love the most (rather they mean to or not).

Now I'm really just making a general point here, not calling anyone out by any means, but just saying what my heart feels and how someone might come off even if they are unaware of it.  First off, actions speak a million times more than words ever will, you can say you love someone all day, but until you truly show it, it is just words.  For example, I don't just say I love the woman I do with all I got, I show it by always giving and helping her, by always trying to cheer her up, by always putting her first, I try to walk the walk, not just talk the talk, and she knows if she allowed me too, I would do even more to show her through actions my love for her.

Anyway, back to my point, my time is valuable, I don't have a lot of free time nowadays, and what little I have I most definitely want to spend with those I love most.  I do realize other's time is valuable as well, and I more than respect that.  But with me, no matter how valuable my time is, I will always do my best to make time for those I love for the simple reason they matter to me.  I will never make them a fallback option, I will never dread spending time with them, and most of all I would never lie to someone I loved to make myself feel less guilty about avoiding them.  You see, when someone consistently makes excuses to not see you, makes lies to not see you, yet promises but never calls back, yet you see where they make time for others regularly, that tells me they don't care for me at all like they claim to, it tells me they disrespect my time, it tells me don't want me around.  Now maybe they don't realize it when they do it, but its true.

I'm the type of person who will give everything for those I love, I will give all of myself, all my time, all my effort, I mean everything, but if someone who claims they care for me keeps pushing me away, keeps making excuses to not see each other, well eventually with no warning I will disappear from them forever, and I always try to make things work, I always give every chance I can, but when I finally can't take it anymore, I disappear and I don't ever come back.  In the end, I truly do respect myself and my time, and I treat my loved ones with the same respect I expect in return.  So please, don't lie to me if you do care for me, and don't push me away and expect me to be ok if you care for me, think about your actions and not just how they affect you, but also how they affect the one's you claim to love.

Once again, this is more about how I feel, not about anyone or anything anyone has done.  The woman I love most, is very good at balancing this with me, she understands this about me, and it is part of why I love her so much.  She makes that effort to remind me she loves me, she is honest with me, she respects my time and expects me to respect her time.  Even in silence, she and I communicate and get each other, believe me though we learned each other through screwing up and over time we figured one another out.  I know when she wants space, I know when she is silent that I need to be patient and let her have space, I know when she is ready she'll reach out to me, and she knows that every now and then a simple check in on me or "like button" let's me know she cares about me.  I love her so much, because I see her effort, and I know her well enough to know she values her effort and time, and the simple fact she gives me time and effort from yourself, no matter how little is, means the world to me.  Her honestly means the world to me, and when we do talk, albeit rare and brief, her eyes remind me how close we are.  She is amazing, and she worked hard to learn me, she earned my heart.