It's about 3:30 AM now, and truthfully I just can't sleep, there is so much running through my mind right now. This isn't going to be my normal blog this time, and what I'm about to say is something you may never her me say out loud unless I have no other choice. I'm scared, I'm truly afraid right now of things to come, I'm so stressed I can't sleep, I can feel my stomach churning due to stress. Look, I try to hide it, simply because I hate not being able to depend on myself, I hate asking for help, I never want myself or my problems to ever be anybody else's burden but my own. I've worked too hard to get this far in life, the earn what I have, and I scared because I don't if it'll be all gone soon.
I spend hours a day applying for jobs, been on multiple interviews, given everything I have and more to find work, and things simply haven't panned out yet. I was suppose to have a job start last week, but for whatever reason things haven't gone to plan, so money is running scarce I confess. Look, I've been to rock bottom before, but I'm not ready to go back. I don't know how the bills will be payed this month, I might be homeless at the end of the month, and I' scared beyond words. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up and someway I am determined to find a way, but I confess I don't what else to do.
I don't feel right asking for money, I don't feel right being dependent on someone else, and I know I got family and friends who would help in a second, but I don't feel right that they should have to share my problems. Who knows, maybe this week things will work out, but right now I just don't have answers, and anyone who knows me knows I almost always have answers for everything. I trust God, but it's still scary not knowing what will happen. I don't believe in borrowing what I can't guarantee I can back in a timely manner, that isn't how I operate.
Look, I'll always wear a smile, and I'll always tell those who ask I'm good or fine, true or not, I will never spread my problems or any negative vibes. I know who I am, I know how hard I work, and I know what I can give to someone if just given the chance. Everything happens for a reason, but doesn't mean everything is immediately understood.
You know, I think part of the reason I love the woman I do so much, is she always loves me for me. I don't always show it, but I love it when she compliments me, I love when she believes in me, her words and actions carry so much power with me. I know if she could she would help me in a second, but I know right now she has her own big issues to tackle, and believe me in a crazy way I want to help her more than I do myself, I've always been a helper first type person. She always says I deserve the best, I have an amazing heart, I'm a survivor, and a great friend and I know I'm missing a few others, and she has always been right. I've always felt a strong connection with her, something words can't describe, something real and natural, even in silence I feel connected to her without trying. Deep down we have more in common than either of us admit, our values I very similar, and our hearts our very close in views. I just love her, and the only times I feel at ease and problem free is when I'm with her I confess.
Even now, in middle of being scared just writing how I feel about her, made me forget my problems. I have two friends I'm blessed with who I value so much for being there, and the woman I love is one and her mother is the other. I know I'll find a way and solution to all this. I'll find work somehow, I'll make enough money to support myself again, and enough to help my two friends be problem free. God knows where my heart lies, He knows my intentions our pure, so I believe God will help me find a way. I'm just so scared right now, I'm trying to be strong and hold it in, but reality is what it is. Pray for me, even though I may never ask for help, I know right I need it more than ever. And that takes everything I have to admit that. I've always had high integrity, and tried to have high character, and I always will, but believe me there are times when it is very difficult.
I spend hours a day applying for jobs, been on multiple interviews, given everything I have and more to find work, and things simply haven't panned out yet. I was suppose to have a job start last week, but for whatever reason things haven't gone to plan, so money is running scarce I confess. Look, I've been to rock bottom before, but I'm not ready to go back. I don't know how the bills will be payed this month, I might be homeless at the end of the month, and I' scared beyond words. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up and someway I am determined to find a way, but I confess I don't what else to do.
I don't feel right asking for money, I don't feel right being dependent on someone else, and I know I got family and friends who would help in a second, but I don't feel right that they should have to share my problems. Who knows, maybe this week things will work out, but right now I just don't have answers, and anyone who knows me knows I almost always have answers for everything. I trust God, but it's still scary not knowing what will happen. I don't believe in borrowing what I can't guarantee I can back in a timely manner, that isn't how I operate.
Look, I'll always wear a smile, and I'll always tell those who ask I'm good or fine, true or not, I will never spread my problems or any negative vibes. I know who I am, I know how hard I work, and I know what I can give to someone if just given the chance. Everything happens for a reason, but doesn't mean everything is immediately understood.
You know, I think part of the reason I love the woman I do so much, is she always loves me for me. I don't always show it, but I love it when she compliments me, I love when she believes in me, her words and actions carry so much power with me. I know if she could she would help me in a second, but I know right now she has her own big issues to tackle, and believe me in a crazy way I want to help her more than I do myself, I've always been a helper first type person. She always says I deserve the best, I have an amazing heart, I'm a survivor, and a great friend and I know I'm missing a few others, and she has always been right. I've always felt a strong connection with her, something words can't describe, something real and natural, even in silence I feel connected to her without trying. Deep down we have more in common than either of us admit, our values I very similar, and our hearts our very close in views. I just love her, and the only times I feel at ease and problem free is when I'm with her I confess.
Even now, in middle of being scared just writing how I feel about her, made me forget my problems. I have two friends I'm blessed with who I value so much for being there, and the woman I love is one and her mother is the other. I know I'll find a way and solution to all this. I'll find work somehow, I'll make enough money to support myself again, and enough to help my two friends be problem free. God knows where my heart lies, He knows my intentions our pure, so I believe God will help me find a way. I'm just so scared right now, I'm trying to be strong and hold it in, but reality is what it is. Pray for me, even though I may never ask for help, I know right I need it more than ever. And that takes everything I have to admit that. I've always had high integrity, and tried to have high character, and I always will, but believe me there are times when it is very difficult.
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