Listen Up

I intentionally waited a few hours to write what I'm about to say.  Certain issues in this world today I've chosen to remain quiet on, but I've seen a couple things that have convinced me it is time to speak up and speak reality and truth.  Issue number one is about me and who I am, for the woman I love she can vouch for me on this as well and so can my close friends, I have been there for her to help her under all circumstances since day one, I have never asked for repayment, I have never made condition for my help, I have never throw my help in their face.  I simple help because I choose too, because I want to, because I love her and she matters to me.  God says have a giving heart, to give selflessly, and that is exactly what I do and always have done.  It is a respect thing, I respect her completely, and know she respects me back, she doesn't have to submit to me or pay me or give me anything, all she has to know is I'm here for her always and if I can help in any way no matter the cost to myself, I will without a second thought.

Now the second issue, the independent woman, you know I grow tired of men bitching about an independent woman, saying they should be submissive to them because they are a man or because they are trying to help them.  Listen up and listen well, to all the independent women out there, as a man, I say do not change for anyone or any man ever.  Weak men who need control over someone fear independent woman, if they can break you and make you believe being completely submissive is respect and love, then they own you for life.  Which means years down the road when you're married and you've abandoned your friends and quit working and become dependent on him and he decides to cheat on you, guess what you're stuck because you stopped being independent.  Don't be fooled, being submissive is no different then being controlled.  No man or person has the right to tell you how to live or what choices to make, stand up for yourself, show your kids how to be strong.  Now don't get me wrong, we all need help at times, nobody can fight the world alone, but we all have to make our own choices.  And if a man loves you for real and for who you are, then guess what, he won't want you to stop being independent at all. 

Men and women alike are equal in God's eyes, women can do anything a man can do and vice versa, outside of certain medical limitations.  No person, man or woman, should feel that as a condition of love they should have the right to dictate how a person lives, spends their time, hangs around, spends their money, raises their kid and so on.  Any man that feels he needs to control a woman to love her has an extreme mental and emotional issue, they are insecure and weak, and need to look at themselves in the mirror and see the sad man they are, and any God fearing man knows that controlling someone is absolutely wrong.

The woman I love, I love her completely, and I want her to know I trust her and think she is a brilliant and strong independent woman whom I am honored to have in my life.While I will always offer advice, my time, my money and myself to her, I believe in her enough to take those items and use them as she feels is best.  It is her life, she has to live with the results.  I say do you and be you.  Chase your dreams, don't let someone trying to control you and what they claim is love hold you back.  I love her unconditionally, that means I believe in her independence, and if we were together I completely trust her judgement, and she is completely free to live her life as she chooses and be around who she chooses.  Unconditional love means love with no conditions.

So to the men who say a woman should be submissive because a man needs to be respected, strong and so on.  I say to those men, check your dicks at the door, and go find your balls wherever you lost them, if you can't be strong or respected without a woman being submissive to you, then I say what kind of man are you to begin with.  Man up, quit being a bitch, and stop being so damn sexist.  God made woman just like He made man, so wake up and respect her and guess what she'll start respecting you.  You reap what you sow, if you sow controlling vibes to the woman you claim to love, then guess what you're going to get back ten fold.

I would much rather love her and have her know I respect her and encourage her drive for her dreams and independence, than to own her or make her feel obligated to respect me or follow me because I help her.  A man seeking to control a woman for his own personal gain in what he claims is love is the most toxic relationship a woman can ever be in.  I speak from experience, my own Mother was submissive her whole life to my Dad, for 40 plus years, he worked and provided for her and the family, but he constantly cheated on her, and as kids we never knew until we were adults, and my mom stayed quiet and submissive until all 4 of us were grown, now she is dependent on him and can't leave him.  She is stuck in a loveless and sexless marriage forever.  All 4 of us kids disowned our Dad as a result, this is what being a submissive woman will lead to, it takes years to happen, but you never recover.  I wish my Mom would have left my Dad when we were kids, it would have been rough, an we would have done without, but at least she could say she was able to live independently. 

Even a man can't be completely on his own and fight the world, a man is no better than a woman.  To the woman I love, I love you, and I am going nowhere, and nobody will run me off.  If someone threatens to leave you because you won't submit or change for them, then honestly I say call their bluff, if they leave then they never loved you they just wanted to use you.  It hurts, but that is the 100% truth.  To the woman I love, yes you're mom is strong and independent, and she had to be, but look at your mom, she is still strong and she can provide for herself, I don't know about you, but I would be honored and proud to be half as strong and independent as your mom.  I love you, and yes I confess I want to spend my life with you and have a family, but I have no desire to control you, I want you to be you and be free, that is what I can offer you and complete love and loyalty and respect.  (Drop the mic)

Consider

I'm a type of person who looks deeper into life than most, I try to see the long term real value in all things, and not the short term false values.  Money, power and looks are short term, they are values that fade, but also values that can found anywhere at anytime, so these things in many ways are not that valuable after all.  What is truly valuable is time, time is something once you give it away you can never reclaim it.  Once you give time away, you give a piece of yourself you will never have again.  Perseverance and loyalty are two other rare things in life, few people in life understand these things.  Many people look for excuses why love can't be or why they should give up, that means those people never truly loved who they were with or they never truly wanted it to begin with, someone who truly loves someone or is truly chasing their dream will find reasons to fight on, find ways to keep trying, and never give up no matter what the circumstances.

I love her, if I gave up on her, than that would mean my love was never real, and that is the problem you see, my love is very real for her, I can't give up on us ever.  Life and even herself and others might push hard and try to give me every reason to give up, but I stand tall and I say I love her, and nothing will ever change that in me.  I'm the man who finds reasons to keep loving her, I'm the man who finds reasons to keep being there for her, I'm the man who isn't afraid to belong to her.  Most men in relationships seek control of their woman or look for escapes and ways out or reasons to cheat, I pity those men and their weak hearts and minds.

Some say I'm trying to fix things between us, but that isn't true at all.  Things were never broken, she and I both know that.  We both care deeply for each other, and their are times those true colors show from both sides.  We were never a couple, therefore we were never whole to begin with, which means we were incapable of being broken.  No, my dream is reach love with her for the first time, because I'm confident she is all I need, and I can be all she needs.  I'm not going to say I'm better than someone else, because honestly I believe we all are equal in many ways.  But I am very true to who I am, I take promises very seriously, I am extremely loyal, I give all of myself for my love and expect the same respect in return, when I love I go all in with no looking back, I am a man who will my very heart and soul to one I love because I trust in her that much.

Maybe you need to look at me a little differently, instead of trying to run me away, maybe you need to see just how much I do love her, just how loyal I've been to her, and how I've stayed true to her in my love despite everything I've been through, now think about that, I've had every reason to give up and walk away, but I have stood stall and stayed true to my love for her, how many other men or really people would have done the same in the name of love for her.  Think about that for a while.  I'm fighting for what and who I love, and for me that is all that has ever mattered in life.

Try Again

Sometimes things just seem to go straight over a person's head, and it baffles me.  So I guess I'll have to point blankly point it out.  My earlier post in no way was speaking badly about the woman I love, she isn't the one who pushed me away and lied.  In fact, lately she has treated me well, and honestly I've noticed and been thankful for that, but somehow whoever read my earlier post assumes I was bashing her when I went out of my way in a whole paragraph to compliment her....

The woman I love has been the one person lately who has been honest with me, shown genuine concern for me, and made actions to remind me she cares.  I have no issues with her, in fact lately she has shown me her caring side more, and I love her for that.  The fact that this went over people's head tells me that the one's doing the hurting are truly clueless to their actions, which proves my point.

Now, on a side note.  Something can't be broken if it was never given the chance to start with.  My love will not die, I will not give up on her, and until our love has a chance to either succeed or fail I won't give up.  You say stop fixing what is broken, I say it never was reality and therefore isn't broken, I'm still fighting for the first chance because I know how real my love is.  But again this issue is not what my earlier blog was about.  The woman I love has treated me well as of late, and I thank her for that.  Yeah sometimes she is silent, but thats ok, because she shows me she cares other times.

So stop thinking I'm upset with her, because I'm not, I'm actually happy with her, I do feel we've slowly grown closer that last few months.  You need to look deeper than my love for her if you want to find what my last blog was referring to, because the woman I love isn't the one lying to me, isn't the one pushing me away.  The woman I love has actually been honest with me lately, and made the effort to understand me, and the effort to occassionally check on me, and lately she has been my rock and I have been extremely thankful for her.

So to the woman I love I say my last post wasn't bashing you, you have been good to me lately, and I've been thankful for the slow growing communication we have had and hope it continues.  Sometimes someone else hurts me, and maybe they don't know it when they do.  I want to thank you for being their for me as support, you have been very kind.  I will always believe in you, don't let someone else make you think I'm upset with you when I am not, you've been a great friend lately considering what we've been through.  The last thing I want is for the great growth we've shown to go to waste because someone else hurt me and somehow you thought it was you.  I value you in my life a lot, and I always want to help you, and always will help you when I can.

Action/Reaction

I am very observant, I notice everything people say and do, but I don't always acknowledge it or call people out on it.  So in short, I always know when someone is lying to me, especially the more I care for someone I know when I'm being lied too, even the seemingly harmless white lies.  And what hurts me more than anything is two things, being lied to by those who I love the most and being disrespected by those I love the most (rather they mean to or not).

Now I'm really just making a general point here, not calling anyone out by any means, but just saying what my heart feels and how someone might come off even if they are unaware of it.  First off, actions speak a million times more than words ever will, you can say you love someone all day, but until you truly show it, it is just words.  For example, I don't just say I love the woman I do with all I got, I show it by always giving and helping her, by always trying to cheer her up, by always putting her first, I try to walk the walk, not just talk the talk, and she knows if she allowed me too, I would do even more to show her through actions my love for her.

Anyway, back to my point, my time is valuable, I don't have a lot of free time nowadays, and what little I have I most definitely want to spend with those I love most.  I do realize other's time is valuable as well, and I more than respect that.  But with me, no matter how valuable my time is, I will always do my best to make time for those I love for the simple reason they matter to me.  I will never make them a fallback option, I will never dread spending time with them, and most of all I would never lie to someone I loved to make myself feel less guilty about avoiding them.  You see, when someone consistently makes excuses to not see you, makes lies to not see you, yet promises but never calls back, yet you see where they make time for others regularly, that tells me they don't care for me at all like they claim to, it tells me they disrespect my time, it tells me don't want me around.  Now maybe they don't realize it when they do it, but its true.

I'm the type of person who will give everything for those I love, I will give all of myself, all my time, all my effort, I mean everything, but if someone who claims they care for me keeps pushing me away, keeps making excuses to not see each other, well eventually with no warning I will disappear from them forever, and I always try to make things work, I always give every chance I can, but when I finally can't take it anymore, I disappear and I don't ever come back.  In the end, I truly do respect myself and my time, and I treat my loved ones with the same respect I expect in return.  So please, don't lie to me if you do care for me, and don't push me away and expect me to be ok if you care for me, think about your actions and not just how they affect you, but also how they affect the one's you claim to love.

Once again, this is more about how I feel, not about anyone or anything anyone has done.  The woman I love most, is very good at balancing this with me, she understands this about me, and it is part of why I love her so much.  She makes that effort to remind me she loves me, she is honest with me, she respects my time and expects me to respect her time.  Even in silence, she and I communicate and get each other, believe me though we learned each other through screwing up and over time we figured one another out.  I know when she wants space, I know when she is silent that I need to be patient and let her have space, I know when she is ready she'll reach out to me, and she knows that every now and then a simple check in on me or "like button" let's me know she cares about me.  I love her so much, because I see her effort, and I know her well enough to know she values her effort and time, and the simple fact she gives me time and effort from yourself, no matter how little is, means the world to me.  Her honestly means the world to me, and when we do talk, albeit rare and brief, her eyes remind me how close we are.  She is amazing, and she worked hard to learn me, she earned my heart.

Always Love

I love her, and my love is very real for her in every way.  I hope and pray she hasn't given up on her dream to have her own restaurant one day.  Because I know she can do it, she just has to believe in herself and refuse to give up no matter how hard things get or how impossible they might seem.  You see, great dreams and things happen in this world because those who achieve them never gave up no matter what the cost or troubles that arose.

You see God does grant our dreams, however He makes sure we truly want or need them, He tests our desires and wills and sees how hard we are willing to fight for them.  God tests us, He never said things would always go to plan, He never said it would come easy, He never siad He would hand our dreams to us without work or sacrifice.  We have to endure the storms, and refuse to give up no matter how bleak or impossible it might seem, that is when God comes through and at the last second makes a way for our dream to reward our efforts.  Never give up on yourself or your dreams or those you truly love.

This is why I don't give up on her, because I love her, she is my everything, she is my dream, and I truly both want and need her.  Truth is, we can make ourselves think we're happy at anytime, but true happiness comes from the life we create around us, it comes from our environment we place ourselves in, the people we surround ourselves with, if we sow happiness we reap happiness.  Yes, we can create happiness, but as a result the world we create around us can bring us happiness, it all goes hand in hand.

I love her so much, that no matter what I will stand with and by her.  If the her ship is sinking, I won't jump off, but rather do my best to find a way to get the ship back up together, and if I can't I will gladly hold her hand and sink to the very bottoms of the sea along side her.  You see, I believe that much in her, and she means that much to me.  I don't just love her when it suits me or when it makes my life better, instead I love her at all times, good or bad.  I don't judge her, that isn't my place, and let's be honest I'm not perfect myself, so who am I to judge her.

I want to face life, my entire life with her by my side, I want us to be a team, two hearts and minds, with one fight and dream.  I love all there is to her, all that comes with her, and I never look back, she is all I ever need or will need.  I had an unexpected painful event earlier this week, and she showed me she does care about me and my condition, and that meant a lot to me.  It's nice to know the one's you love most, care for you back and take the time to show it.  The bond in my heart for her is unbreakable, and I love her more than my own life.  I just want to start our life together, I'm ready not just to be happy, but to be happy spending my life with her, I'm ready for our chapter, I'm excited, and this is the one and only dream I truly need or desire.  Nothing can ever pull me away from her.

All I Am

It's been a rough day for reasons that couldn't be predicted, lets just say I'm a little banged up from a fall.  Anyway, its still a great day because it is the woman I love birthday, and nothing can damper that to me.  I can honestly say she is all I desire, want and need in life.  Everything else I can find a way to do without, but not her, she means everything to me.  I see greatness in her as a woman, person, daughter, friend, mother, leader, worker and so much more.  I believe in her, and I know she will always come through.  I place all my faith and trust in her, and that is perfectly fine with me.  I'm not afraid to say she all I am, and believe me she is great so there is no shame in letting her be all I am.  I love you so much, for real, nothing can ever make me stop loving you and being there for you.

It Is Real

Tomorrow is my favorite day of the year, it is the 24th, and no matter where I am in life or what I do that day, I am thankful for this day because the most important person in my world that I love the most was born on this day, and everytime it comes around its a reminder of how much I love her and how great she is.  Look, she means everything to me, and I actually value her birthday more than my own, more than Christmas, Halloween and Thanksgiving put together.  You haven't loved someone until you realize seeing them happy and successful is what brings true happiness to yourself. 

That's how love her, she matters the most to me, I place her before myself at all times, and even when I'm hurting I make sure I find a way to make her smile and help her in anyway I can.  I'm the type who values their privacy, who at times prefers to be alone, but for her it doesn't matter, I will always make time and room for her no matter what the circumstances or how I feel.  I love her, more than anyone can ever comprehend.  If anyone could wrap their head around how much I love her I promise their head would explode, and they would realize how deep my love runs and how nobody can ever truly love her more.  When love hits you, real love, you realize all those rules and qualifications you placed on love, and all those "nevers" you claimed in love are meaningless.  When you love someone they become what you need and want.  And that is what happened with her in my heart, I never thought I could love someone like her, and I don't mean that in a bad way, because there isn't anything wrong with her, it was my own personal preferences that held me back at first.

But in time, I saw past my own preferences, and I began to see her, and the more we talked and the more I saw, the more I realized she not only is beautiful, but she is exactly the one for me.  Its hard to explain until it happens to you.  With her I wasn't seeking love, but God placed her in my path and love came to me.  That is the part she can't seem to understand, but I have to understand she doesn't know where I was when she came into my life, so its hard for her to see how much of a God send she was and is to me.  She loved me when I was at my lowest, she cared me when I shunned the world, she was the only person who took the time to befriend me when the rest of the world was rejecting me, and I have never forgotten that, and this is why I will always love her and be indebted to her.  Money doesn't win me over, but she gave herself, her time, her heart to me and that is what bought me for life.

I'm a person who sees things in stages and I see where God intervenes in life, this is truly how I know God is very real, and that He loves me very much.  Here is a quick example, early last year, I'd around March of 2015, I prayed to God to help me find a way to make myself able to provide for her better, I asked God to help me better my life and work environment, for Him to guide me through this way, and I asked God no matter what it takes, make this happen and I said I would be ok with whatever had to happen.  I went a few months hating my job, I had a boss who was beyond conceded and self absorbed, a boss who only cared for herself and in her mind nobody else mattered, and it wore on me, by August I was burnt out and eventually let go, I could of fought to keep my job I confess, but truthfully I wanted to be gone and felt God was telling me to leave and it would be ok.  I was scared, but I had faith.  Somehow even getting let go God made a way for me to collect unemployment, I applied to jobs left and right, went on interviews with little success, I had 14 weeks of unemployment, and when my 14th week came around I didn't know how I was going to survive, but God answered, He said I would be ok, and He delivered.  The day I received my final unemployment check it was November, and I got a call and job offer to work 4 weeks with Operation Christmas Child, it only paid $12 an hour, but I it was Christian organization and the cause was giving gifts to kids around the world who had never had a gift in their life.  Those who know me know that I more than anything love to help others, especially kids, be happy.  This job spoke to me on multiple levels, I felt I was making a real difference, and we had devotions everyday, God spoke to me and reminded me He is there and things are going to be ok.  I had a job lined up to start when this one ended, but things went awry.  When I finished in late December with Operation Christmas Child the job I had lined up drug their feet, for two weeks the kept me waiting, and I was beyond scared when funds were gone, bills and rent were looking impossible.  I remember buying Christmas gifts and thinking to myself I might be homeless next month but at least I'll bring smiles to those I love one last time.  The temp agency that I worked with Operation Christmas Child, Hire Dynamics, called me the second week of January for an interview with Viking Distribution.  I went on the interview, and the person I interviewed had bible verses all over his desk and wall, he believes in a positive environment and treats his employees like people and not property.  I felt great about this interview I was ready to start, but time passed without hearing anything.  At this time I had no other choice but swallow my pride and borrow money from my friend and nother, and it killed me inside, but it made me realize how blessed I am to have them in my life. The other job that was suppose to start two weeks earlier called back, and offered $11 an hour to me, it was all the way in Alpharetta, since I hadn't heard anything from Viking Distribution, I took it.  I prayed hard for God to work things out,  I spent one day at that job and got a call from Hire Dynamics saying Viking Distribution wanted to hire me.  I took it, and am now in a much healthier environment, making more money than I ever have.  It took God 10 months to work on my prayer, and He isn't done yet, but its proof He listens and with patience He will answer.  Now in a couple weeks I know I can pay rent, bills and those I had to borrow from.

I have several stories like this, and the woman I love is one of those stories, she doesn't know I prayed for her in my life years before we met, and she doesn't realize what happened in my life in order for me to meet her, she doesn't know how improbable it was for me to fall in love with her, but I do know and this is how I know we are meant be, and that God placed this love in me, and this is why I don't walk away or move on.  This love I have for her is bigger than me and my life.  One day I know God will open her heart, mind and eyes, one day God will pull back the veil and show her why she means show much to me.  I just have to trust in God to find a way, and on His time I will be ready, and I will always put her first and love her completely.

Desire

I had a few things planned out to say and quote, but as I was writing things I just felt moved to just let myself speak out a little from my heart.  It might be a little raw, but what I say and write are very real.  I love her, and those aren't just words from me, they are my way of life.  I feel connected to her on a level I can't properly explain.

Everything I do or say in life is an effort to better myself to be able to provide her with the best love possible, to be able to have the means to help her dreams come true.  God says in the Bible "love thy neighbor as thyself."  I've always lived by this, and many give me grief for doing so, but I'm one of the few  who practice what I preach, and I take God's word to heart and do my best to follow it always.  Now get me wrong, I do mess up at times just like anybody else, but I promise you when it comes to love, I do it right and for the right reasons.

I don't fall in love easily at all.  But when I fall in love, I do fall hard I confess.  I love her just as I love myself, and because of this I will always put her first even before myself.  To me, this is love, when you feel so strongly for someone that you are willing to give yourself completely to them and their dreams.  Few people ever truly fall in love, because in today's world it's about ourselves, and very few ever are willing to love someone so purely that they would give themselves completely to them and to nobody else.  But this is how deep my love is for her.

Despite my flaws, I am loyal and true to her at all times.  She is the one and only for me and my heart.  Whatever it takes to win her heart, and whatever takes to provide for her and achieve her dreams.  I want to see the world from our eyes, feel the world through her heart, I want to heal her, and let her know she is never alone in this world.  All I need is her, nothing else really matters to me.  I submit to her all the time, not because I don't have my own desires and ideas, but because I choose to, and being there for her in love is all I care about in truth.

It's kind of ironic really, I'm extremely stubborn, and very rarely give up control of myself to anyone, but with her it's different, I don't need to be in control, I just need to be with her not matter where that might be.  Even when she is silent, I love her, even when she speaks, I love her, understand I only love her.  And she is the only one I would submit myself too.  Can I take charge?  Of course, thats easy, but why should I when I trust in her.  All she has to do is come and claim me, I'm ready for her, this is the one she needs to step up and grab me, there is a reason I don't force myself to her, because I know when she claims me and takes charge of me, that is the moment I know she is truly committed to us.  I only want the very best for her at all times, and everyday and every chance I get I will pray for that for her and do all I can to help her in any way.

Upwards

Life is starting to head back in the right direction, so far I'm actually enjoying my new job more than even I thought.  It's strange but in some ways I actually look forward to going to work each day.  I'm not counting down the minutes to go home.  And I know it isn't the job itself, but it's the people and environment at the job.  Everyone there is there for each other, you don't have the mentality to move up you have to push everyone else down, and coming from the job I was at before that is so refreshing.  I know it sounds crazy, but I'm actually glad I'm not at my old job anymore, because I'm at a much better place.  And the best part is, they love me, and they already want to promote me, and keep me for the long term.  Anyone who knows me, knows I do things the right way and I don't play when it comes to my work ethic and moving up.

God is great, He will test us and our resolve, and He definitely tested me.  But here I am, on my way back to the top, you can't keep a real good man down forever.  I'm survivor always, I will always find a way, because I always go the way I feel God guides me.  Getting this job and my life back on track is really me working on putting myself in a position to provide for the woman I love.  I've been rather up front on my desire to be there for her always.  Look, I love her completely.

She is my world, every bit of it.  She is always on my mind, every second.  I dream of her, and daydream of her always.  This marks the beginning of her birthday week, and hope she enjoys every second of it.  I want to give her all I got to help her celebrate, but I understand right now I have to move to what she let's me move to.  When I see her, I see happiness, and everything I could ever need and want.  I trust her, I believe in her, I place everything I am and have within her.  I'm the one who is thankful for her, and knows how blessed I am to have her in my life.  I'm the guy who knows she is the best, and she is all I ever need and more.  She is the top of my mountain, there is no one better in my eyes.  I know without a doubt that with her I will always find happiness, success and peace, because I know in my heart how she makes me feel, and how she shapes me into a greater man.  I can't say it any better or clearer than this, I completely love her, and as far as I'm concerned I willingly entrust my life to her, and I have no fear giving myself completely to her.

Memories

As I've stated before my birth sign is Virgo, and as a Virgo we carry many traits, and one of those traits that is very strong in me is we remember everything and have uncanny memories.  I remember things as if they happened yesterday, random conversations, random looks, random feelings, I remember them all.  As a result, I often replay them constantly in my head, wondering if I missed any meanings or what I could have done differently.  What is even crazier is I don't even have to try to remember these things, I just do so naturally, and it can be a blessing and a curse.

So what I'm going to share is a few random things I remember the woman I love stating, and I'm not sure if she'll ever remember saying it or not, or even if she'll admit it, but I promise you it happened.  Out of respect for her though, I'm not going to say anything too revealing or bad.  This is more for reflection and maybe fun than anything else.

I remember a couple years ago we went shopping together, I believe she was getting some things for a party she was attending.  And I said something in jest, and I remember her saying the following line, "I've accepted the fact that I'll always be an amazon, and I'm ok with that."  Now, at the moment I didn't say anything in return and I believe I laughed a little, but something I've always wanted to tell her is she is beautiful in every way.  From her body, her face, her hair, her heart and soul.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with her, seriously.  I respect the fact she admits she isn't perfect, I admire that in fact, but she calls her appearance an amazon, I call her appearance absolutely perfectly sexy.  And I mean that, her build is part of what draws me to her, I mean she is so much more than looks for sure, but I just truly want her to know never to be ashamed of her build or size, because there is nothing wrong with her.  I can't stress enough how much I love this about her.

She once texted me while we were fighting, and I believe it was our first real fight albeit through text which drives me nuts, anyway, she stated "You're not the great love you think you are."  This one blew my mind in so many ways.  I've never claimed to be a great love in any way, I've never claimed to be the best looking, best built, richest, or anything of that nature.  There were times she told me I was amazing and such, but I never said that, now I confess I never responded much when she said those things.  But look all I've ever said is my love is very real and very loyal and very true.  I will love her as best I can, and only her.  I will give everything I have for her and her success.  Does that make me great, I don't really think so, but it makes me honest and real, there is a difference.

She once texted the following, "I feel you can say things to someone else, but aren't willing to say them to my face."  Now this hit me hard because it is so far from the truth.  I want to tell her everything, I truly do, she is the first person I truly desire to trust.  But the reason I can't sometimes is she doesn't allow me too, she shuts me out at times, she pulls away, or she turns to texting, but believe me if she sat down with me and really had a real talk, I would tell her anything and everything.  I hate hiding anything from her, I really want to be open to her, and her to know she can do the same with me.  Many times her complaints about me in things like this she fails to realize I'm reacting to how she is acts towards me or what she texts or says to me.

One last one, and this happened years ago when we first started getting close, she said "You deserve the best, and I don't think I can give you what you need."  This bothered me, because to me by her own definition the best is her.  And she always gives me what I need by simply loving me and being there for me.  I don't demand much at all, just be herself, love me, be loyal and committed.  In love I really don't have many rules, I don't believe in controlling anyone like that.  I believe in trust and loyalty instead.  When I love her, I trust her, and it doesn't matter if I trust anyone else, because I trust her completely, and that is simply how I think.  This illusion she never or couldn't give me what I need is so far from the truth, I think she never realized how thankful and grateful I am for her, and how amazing I see her as.  There were times I actually thought to myself how lucky I was to have a such a great woman love me and spend time with me like she would.  She'll never understand how much I appreciate her, and cherish everything about her.

I could on and on with memories, these are just the tips of the iceberg.  I know when someone is lying or changing truth, I remember things, I might not always call them out on it, because to me it isn't worth the fight, but believe me I make mental notes and it goes a long way showing who a person is.  Sometimes people make themselves forget things, and by doing so they try to force the world to forget too.  Sometimes people make themselves believe distorted truths to help there own personal feelings, but it doesn't make them true.  The best thing you can do is stop looking for ways justify you suspicions and rather look at the truth, real truths and not conspiracy theories, and then you can make real choices.

I will always love her completely, truly and purely.  What I have for her is the real deal.  I truly love everything she is.  From her quirks to her strengths, I just love her that love.  To me she can do no wrong, because in my heart I believe her completely.

Trip Inside

Hello again, I wanted to share a poem written by Mother Teresa that really could be the story of my life and goes a long way in showing who I am, after the poem I explain a few things:

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Well, let me get started, first off I have always been an extremely forgiving person, even at times when the person might really deserve it or want it, I always choose to forgive.  I always see it this way, I know I make mistakes I would like to be forgiven for, so I feel I should be the same towards those who make mistakes towards me, basically you reap what you sow type mentality, I sow kindness and forgiveness.  I am extremely giving and kind, I am extremely selfless, I almost always put other's before myself for good reason, and many times as a result people think I have selfish and ulterior motives, and the reality is I don't.  I truly want to see people happy and successful, and yes I would like the same for myself, but I would be kind and generous even if I gained nothing in return.  That is simply who I am, my love is truly unconditional.

I have been successful and spent years building great things, and many times I make enemies who are jealous and many times they'll take it all away in the blink of an eye, but I don't give up, I simply rebuild and reclaim my success through God.  People do often forget the good things I do quickly, and they often carry the bad things I do forever, but that doesn't matter in the end, because I know my good deeds far outweigh my bad deeds, and I know God knows that, and those who truly know me know that as well.  I will always give my best in all I do, and there are times I will still fail, but it will change my efforts, I believe you go all out or you don't go at all.  Win or lose, do your best.  I live my life in a way that I know would please God, help other's and in the end it makes me happy.

Look no farther then the woman I love, everything I say I'll do, I do it, I am a man who follows through on his promises and takes action.  I have always let me actions speak more than my words, I am the first to help, the first to give, the first to compliment, the first to love, and she knows this.  Just because I don't broadcast what I'm doing or my actions does not mean they aren't happening, I just choose to do them for the right reasons and not for the glory.

My actions have allowed me to rebuild my success and it starts today, I got my job making more than I was at my old job, a lot more, and it's a result of me not giving up and God's true blessings in which I am thankful for.  I am also thankful for the prayers of those who loved me enough to pray for me.  And I will give my best as always to this job, I will be kind and giving, I will not change who I am.  And if it all goes away again, I'll just simply get back up and start over again.

She Knows

One thing the woman I love knows for sure deep down is I will never abandon her no matter how bad things get, I will never leave her standing alone, I will always be the first one to volunteer fight by her side for her.  It doesn't matter what the odds are, she knows I will lay it all on the line to protect her at all times.  I will never walk away from her no matter what.

Deep down, she knows I always have understood her, maybe not always agreed with her, but I have understood her.  I know how she thinks, I know how she feels, and many times when I know she mad or upset I stay quiet for a reason, I know she needs to figure things out on her own at times, but she realizes when she is ready I'm waiting for her with a open arms and an open heart at all times.

I'm no thug, no hustler, no street in me, but I am very real.  I don't try to be anyone else but myself.  I have a high value for God for a reason.  I hold myself to very expectations for a reason.  Shoot for the starts and at worst you'll find the moon.  Few understand me, and thats ok, because they say the greatest people are often the least understood.  What drives me is my love for her, my desire to see her dreams come true, my desire to give her all I have, my desire to be her's.  This is love, it is not weakness at all, when you understand who you love and give yourself completely to them, this is complete trust and true strength to trust your heart in their hands.

Love isn't about a sure thing, or finding someone who fits your mold, or finding someone who has all the answers.  Love is finding the one who despite the struggles and doubts you continue to love them completely, and they refuse to walk away.  She and I have had our doubts, we've bumped heads, we've struggled, and through it all she knows deep down the one truth about me with her is I have never walked away or given up on her.  Outside of her own family, I am the one constant who has remained loyal to her without any second thought.  There have been times she has pushed me away and shattered my heart, yet even when I was broken I never walked away.

She knows deep down the love she has in me is rare and unmatched, she realizes how precious and valuable and real it truly is.  I would gladly give my on life to extend her's without a second thought and with no remorse.  She truly is my everything, and when she is silent towards me I do understand, and I let her be, but I never stop loving her, I never stop believing her, and I never give up on her, and I never walk away.

I'm not looking for anyone's approval, not my family, not her family, not my friends, not her friends, not even the world, even though having approval is always nice, but I am who I am, and love how I love, and the only people who matter when it comes to the love between us is she and I.  Even she must confess I am like no other man she has ever met, she knows my love is the real deal, and I know she is the real deal herself.  I might not be a player, I might not be the popular choice, but she knows I am the real deal and how great my heart truly is.  I never claimed to be the sexiest or greatest lover, I simply claim to true to who I am and have the realest love she'll ever encounter.  Would any other man willingly give all they have including themselves up simply to ensure she lives on happily.  I know in her heart she doesn't want anyone giving up themselves for her, but she has understand sometimes things happen where she has little choice.  Love is sacrifice, doesn't mean you have to sacrifice, it just means you have to be willing to if the time comes.

Tides Turning

In life, the one truth is we are all human, we all are not perfect and will make mistakes in life.  Nobody is immune to fear or doubt, and we all have our moments of weakness.  There are times in life we all struggle and don't see a way out.  Lately, I have been struggling in life I confess, things haven't gone as planned to say the least, and I have vented my frustrations and fears at times.  But I am no different than anyone else in life.  Except for one tiny detail, no matter how low I get in life, no matter if I don't have any immediate answers, I can promise you I will never give up on finding a way back to the top, never give up.  I'm not afraid to show my weak side at times, I'm not afraid to admit I'm human, I feel if someone truly loves you then they should love you when you're weakest just as they love you when you're strongest.

I say all this because I didn't give up, and things are beginning to slowly brighten up.  I start a new job Monday, and have another job up in the air, but either way I got a job.  Now my philosophy has always been pretty straight forward, take this job I got and make it the best opportunity possible, in short work it like I mean it.  People can take shots at me because I do things differently, I'm not the type to walk over anyone to get what I want, I do things the right way, and I make things happen with what I have.

As for my love, the woman I love is the one and only love of my life.  All I do is for her I confess.  I truly want to be her hero, I want to be her smile, and I'm working hard to put myself in a position to do just that.  What is mine is her's.  I love her even when she is weak, I love her when she is afraid, I love her when she stumbles, I love her when she doubts herself, I love her at all times, but the thing is I believe her even when she doesn't believe in herself.  Love doesn't always make sense, sometimes when love is real it defies all logic.  Deep down you just know it when you love someone for real.  Love doesn't need an explanation, love just is what it is. 

Right now I know she has her doubts about me, and I get that, right now I'm struggling.  But understand I'm not giving up, and I will rise about it all soon.  When love someone you shouldn't doubt them, hard times will always come, but rather than doubt them you should believe in them and stand by them.  My love for her will not fade, my love cannot be bought, what she has in me is very real.  I will always find a way.  Being a man isn't about lying, cheating, stealing your way to someone's heart, there is nothing brave or smart about that, being a man is being who you are with the one you love, laying it all out there, and doing all you can to be there for the woman you love, being a man is doing things the right way even if it is hard, being a man is believing in the woman you love as much as you believe in yourself. 

Let me be your hero

Would you dance if I asked you to dance?
Would you run and never look back?
Would you cry if you saw me crying?
Would you save my soul tonight?

Would you tremble if I touched your lips?
Would you laugh? Oh, please tell me this.
Now would you die for the one you love?
Hold me in your arms, tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away

.

Would you swear that you'll always be mine?
Would you lie? Would you run and hide?
Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
I don't care. You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
I just want to hold you, oh, yeah.

Am I in too deep? Have I lost my mind?
Well, I don't care. You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
I can kiss away the pain, oh, yeah.
I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
I can kiss away the pain.
And I will stand by you forever.
You can take my breath away.
You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.

Love Is

Love, a word that is thrown around way too much in this world, what love really is, it is stronger than words can over convey.  To see real love we have to look at our example, and the example we were shown is in God himself.  God loved us so much, that he willingly sent his own son to die so that we might have our sins washed away.  Now think about that, at that time mankind as whole mostly took God for granted, most of mankind worshipped false idols or worried more about their image than how they loved God, they sinned freely with little remorse, they sinned and justified by saying it was what they had to do, all these things were true, but God loved us all so much that He didn't let our sins turn Him away, instead He gave his son to die for those who had willingly sinned. 

Now, let's take it a step further, not only did God love us for real, but Jesus Himself loved us all so much that He went through with God's plan to sacrifice His blood for us.  Now think about it, He willingly died for the very men who crucified Him just as much as any other person to ever live.  My point is God or Jesus never gave up on us because they truly love us and believe in us.  These are the examples of love we are to follow.  Love is really the only real thing we can ever possess, love can't be sold, love can't be bought, love can't be manufactured, love is something that has a life of it's own, love cannot be killed, love cannot be denied, love is something that hits with no explanation or warning.  When love happens, believe it is real and don't run from it.

Love is worth dying for, love is worth fighting for, love is worth loving for, love is who we are when we are at our very best.  Love trumps money, love trumps power, love is the precious part of this world and our lives.  Love is the one thing in this life you can take with you to the next life.  I'm one of those people who tries to use the word love very rarely, for me to say I love someone means I'm completely committed to them in all ways.  It means I've prayed about it often, it means I've fought it often, it means it is a part of me I can't live without, when I love someone it means they are more important to me than anything else, more important to me than my own life.

I love one woman, and I know who she is.  I don't know how things will play out, all I can do is trust in God.  I trust in God, and I believe in His plan for myself and really everyone.  This love in me for her was given to me by God for a reason.  God hasn't removed this love for a reason.  And believe me, I've tried to walk away completely from her multiple times, the whole let her see life without me thought has come across, but everytime God finds way to guide me back to her. 

One way to know if you truly love someone is simple, it's easy to love someone when their successful, it's easy to give advice when you're in a better position then the one your advising, loving someone when they got something to give you is easy.  Real love comes on the other side, you know it's real love when you love them just as much even though they're struggling, even though they can't give you what you want right now, even though they're down, you still love them, you love them even when they mess up, you love them even when they push away.  I can honestly tell I love her completely no matter where either of us are in life, if she's struggling or needs constant help, I love her, if she is the most successful person alive, I still love her the same.  It doesn't matter to me, because it isn't about what she is or what she can give, it's more about who she is and how she completes me.  I will always have her first in my heart, and unlike any other man out there, I can honestly say no matter what paths she takes I will unconditionally love her forever.  I refuse to give up on her, I refuse to turn my back on her. And if nothing else, I will allow my actions, as they have in the past, to prove to everyone I will never give up or turn my back on her.  Why?  It's really simple I love her for real, and it isn't about my image, I could care less about my image, what matters to me is her, and how I love her, and that I honor my love completely to her.

Beyond My Book Cover

Understanding my love can be simple and complicated all at the same time, but understanding what I'm drawn too will reveal why I love the woman I do.

Here are some of the most important qualities I'm drawn to in a woman whom I love:

• Strong willed and hearted woman, a woman who is kind and giving, yet isn't afraid to challenge me when needed.  You see I'm not looking for a woman who is a pushover or says yes to everything I say.  I actually enjoy that challenge, even if at first it might frustrate me or drive me nuts, that constant drive (when done right) let's me know how invested in me she is.  As strange as it is, I want the woman I love to claim me as her's and be a little possessive of me.
• Drive, a driven spirit, I want to see her reaching for the dreams without looking back, I want to see her believe in herself.
• I'm not looking to be spoiled at all, I seek appreciation and closeness and time more than anything.  While I definitely enjoy big groups gatherings, its that one on one intimate time that I cherish the most.  I love having secrets with the one I love, I look forward to those private moments more than anything.
• The best gift you can ever give me is herself when I love you.  Money not so much important to me when coming to gifts, knowing I a set time to enjoy her is all I ever truly want.  I'm one of those different men who don't mind listening to her problems and life, I don't run from her wanting talk.  I enjoy a good deep conversation with her anytime.
• Despite my gentlemen like approach, behind closed doors I desire that physical love, I am very hands on, and prefer that roughside honestly.  I have no issues letting her take charge, even though I don't taking charge myself, but there is something I truly love about being completely submitted to the woman I love, I love being in her hands and never fear it.
• A woman who understands my desire to help her and be there for her, and lets me do just that.  I'm an extremely guarded person, I don't open to many at all, but when it comes to the woman I love I am extremely giving and supportive, and its my way of showing I love you.  While money doesn't mean much to me in receiving, I don't mind putting all I have and investing in her, to me there is nothing better to invest in then the woman I desire to spend my life with.  And when I say invest I don't just mean money, but I also mean time, blood, sweat, tears, soul and so on.
• I love laugh, and I can have an extremely kinky and dirty mind.  Don't forget I'm a Virgo, there is no other more kinky sign, we wear the freak level well, we just mask it.  
• I love when the woman I love understands me, but isn't afraid to question me.  Trust is a really big deal to me, and so is loyalty.  I will give her complete trust and loyalty like no other, and in a way I want that in return.  Flirting has never bother me, I want her to be friendly and feel free, as long as in the end all the physical aspects stay between us I'm ok.
• I'm flexible and open, I'll willingly let her toe the line, but I'm always paying attention.  And if needed I don't mind asserting myself, but I don't always like too, and I have an extremely long fuse, but understand when I pick that moment, there is no anger more fierce.  I don't get violent at all, but my words and truth can shred the best of them.  This is why I'm extremely careful with my words, I'm well spoken because my words are well thought out.  I'm not afraid to show my emotions to an extent, but to get that true feeling out me is something extremely difficult to do.
• We all have are secrets and fetishes, and I am very open minded, don't get me wrong I will draw the line eventually and once I do you can be assured I will not cross it.  I'm stubborn myself in certain areas.  But I understand circumstances very well, and I try to understand why choices get made good or bad, so as a result I'm very forgiving.  I always see everyone's point of view, or at least attempt to, I've always been firmly aware this world revolves around nobody including myself.
• I am humble, and while I do seek a bit of humbleness in the woman I love, I do love it when she has pride.  I want her to love herself and flaunt herself in confidence.  You see I love everyone to know just how great the woman I love is, and how blessed I am to be her's.

There is a lot more to it than just these few facts, but sometimes you can't judge a book by it's cover, and I'm living proof of that.  Nobody has really gotten to truly know me as deeply as I revealed here, but there is a whole new side of me, but I don't just give it away, I have self worth.  I need to know she is all in, I need to hear her say it and show it, I need the commitment, and once I get that I change.  You get the carnal and physical side, I stay the gentlemen in public view, and in many ways I back off and give the space.  You see once I know we're official I get at ease, but love is always a give and take.  I will give all day to an extent, but to get those deep gifts from me, I need her to give me that commitment.  Once she does, I'm her's completely, and I love that.

Need To Hear You

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you

Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you

These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And all I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'

And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Hurry I'm fallin'

And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Hurry I'm fallin'

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Signs

I sometimes reread the blogs I write the next day, and I just reread the one I posted last night and man did I skip words like crazy.  I'm bad about not typing at the same speed my mind is going at I confess.  Anyway, I'm writing again for a reason.  While technically my situation is still dire, there have been some promising signs today.  I sent out several emails last night, I figured if I couldn't sleep I should at least be productive, and I've received some promising responses.

The job I thought would start last week called, and while it is taking longer than expected it is getting there.  I always received a call from someone else regarding a great opportunity in Suwannee, so maybe that can lead somewhere.  And another call from an agency who is shopping my resume.  So I'm going to take this as a positive, while things are still moving slow at least they're picking up.

While I'm writing, I want to take this time to mention the two close friends I spoke of in my last blog.  They may not always realize it, but they are my rocks in life.  They keep me stable and strong, and I want to tell them I love them and am extremely thankful for them, and I can't and don't want to imagine life without them ever.  As I said before one is the woman I love more than life itself, and the other is her mother, and both are the greatest people to ever grace my life.  I mean that, I really do.  And I would never trade them for anyone for anything in life.  And they both know I will always have their backs, and always help them no matter the situation, and I know they'd do the same even if I may never ask them.  But I know how great our relationships our with each other, and many people go their whole lives without finding a relationship as close as I am blessed to have with them both.  And believe I am more than thankful.  One day when I reach the top they will be the first to reap rewards I guarantee.

I needed to vent last night, sometimes things just build up.  In the end I am human like everyone else.  Things will work out I know, but it isn't always easy.  I always rise from the ashes, I will do so again this time somehow.

Scared Sleepless

It's about 3:30 AM now, and truthfully I just can't sleep, there is so much running through my mind right now.  This isn't going to be my normal blog this time, and what I'm about to say is something you may never her me say out loud unless I have no other choice.  I'm scared, I'm truly afraid right now of things to come, I'm so stressed I can't sleep, I can feel my stomach churning due to stress.  Look, I try to hide it, simply because I hate not being able to depend on myself, I hate asking for help, I never want myself or my problems to ever be anybody else's burden but my own.  I've worked too hard to get this far in life, the earn what I have, and I scared because I don't if it'll be all gone soon.

I spend hours a day applying for jobs, been on multiple interviews, given everything I have and more to find work, and things simply haven't panned out yet.  I was suppose to have a job start last week, but for whatever reason things haven't gone to plan, so money is running scarce I confess.  Look, I've been to rock bottom before, but I'm not ready to go back.  I don't know how the bills will be payed this month, I might be homeless at the end of the month, and I' scared beyond words.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up and someway I am determined to find a way, but I confess I don't what else to do.

I don't feel right asking for money, I don't feel right being dependent on someone else, and I know I got family and friends who would help in a second, but I don't feel right that they should have to share my problems.  Who knows, maybe this week things will work out, but right now I just don't have answers, and anyone who knows me knows I almost always have answers for everything.  I trust God, but it's still scary not knowing what will happen.  I don't believe in borrowing what I can't guarantee I can back in a timely manner, that isn't how I operate.

Look, I'll always wear a smile, and I'll always tell those who ask I'm good or fine, true or not, I will never spread my problems or any negative vibes.  I know who I am, I know how hard I work, and I know what I can give to someone if just given the chance.  Everything happens for a reason, but doesn't mean everything is immediately understood.

You know, I think part of the reason I love the woman I do so much, is she always loves me for me.  I don't always show it, but I love it when she compliments me, I love when she believes in me, her words and actions carry so much power with me.  I know if she could she would help me in a second, but I know right now she has her own big issues to tackle, and believe me in a crazy way I want to help her more than I do myself, I've always been a helper first type person.  She always says I deserve the best, I have an amazing heart, I'm a survivor, and a great friend and I know I'm missing a few others, and she has always been right.  I've always felt a strong connection with her, something words can't describe, something real and natural, even in silence I feel connected to her without trying.  Deep down we have more in common than either of us admit, our values I very similar, and our hearts our very close in views.   I just love her, and the only times I feel at ease and problem free is when I'm with her I confess.

Even now, in middle of being scared just writing how I feel about her, made me forget my problems.  I have two friends I'm blessed with who I value so much for being there, and the woman I love is one and her mother is the other.  I know I'll find a way and solution to all this.  I'll find work somehow, I'll make enough money to support myself again, and enough to help my two friends be problem free.  God knows where my heart lies, He knows my intentions our pure, so I believe God will help me find a way.  I'm just so scared right now, I'm trying to be strong and hold it in, but reality is what it is.  Pray for me, even though I may never ask for help, I know right I need it more than ever.  And that takes everything I have to admit that.  I've always had high integrity, and tried to have high character, and I always will, but believe me there are times when it is very difficult.

Inside Trust

Before I start, this is actually my 200 post to this blog, even I am amazed I've had this much to let out, but it is what it is, and when love in you is real, it refuses to die until it gets a chance to be realized.  Look, I love this woman, I love her like no other, she is like no other woman or really person I've ever met.  The thing I can tell when she is scared or hurting, don't get me wrong, she is really great at hiding it, but I can still tell, and I know things aren't exactly where she thought they would be right now, but I know her well enough to know she will get them where they need to be very soon.

She is one of a kind, there truly is no other person close to who she is.  Those moments she lets loose, isn't afraid to be goofy and let it all hang out, those moments she is carefree and the smile is real, I love those moments in her.  I remember when she and I first met early on, when we first really started to find things out about each other, she was so silly, so carefree, and I loved every bit of it.  Don't get me wrong, there is definitely a serious side to her as well, when she means business, I mean she means business.  But as tough as she is, it's that sweet carefree side that gets me every time.  The side that isn't afraid to laugh, or make me laugh.

I'm not sure she realizes, the person she truly is inside is so perfect.  Sometimes the child in her should come out, it's good for her, and really it can be her best side at times.  I want her to be happy, I want us to be happy, I really want these things more than anything else in life.  I wish life was perfect, I wish I could buy her everything, buy a house, cars, and support our family worry free.  And I'm working hard on making those wishes reality.

She truly is my end all be all in life.  I can honestly say she is always on my mind and heart.  God will open the door for us soon I know, things will line up I understand.  Life isn't about money or power and how much you have of them, its more about what you do what you have and who you do it for, and everything I have I can honestly I use it for her first.  I can honestly say I would do without before I ever let her do without, there have been times I couldn't afford to help her, but I did anyway.  I just love her so much.  I can't promise her a perfect life, but I know I will definitely try for one, but I can guarantee her perfect and completely loyal love from me, because I know I would die before I ever loved anyone over her.  She truly is the one person who can bring me to my knees simply because I allow it, I won't break for anyone else.  Thats the thing with me, people see what I'll do for her and think I'll do it for anyone, but the truth is I'm actually a lot stronger and guarded then they know.  I let her in, and really one other friend in, and thats it.

I don't give my heart often, because my heart is something extremely precious and valuable, that's how much I love her, I actually trust my heart and future in her hands.  I'm not afraid to trust in her, I'm not afraid to put all my dreams, hopes, and everything I have in her.  I love and believe in her completely without doubt. She is the one and only for me always.

Believe It

There are times that all I can do smile and laugh on the inside because people really have no clue about me whatsoever.  And many times I let things slide because truthfully their words really don't matter to me whatsoever.  The thing with me is, if I don't care for you, then nothing you say about me or think about me really matters at all to me, in fact I often times find it funny more then anything else.  If I don't care for you, then for the most part I don't really put your opinions about me in high regard at all.  Now the flip side to that is the more I do care about someone, then the more what they say or think means to me.

With that being said, I sometimes hear things people don't think I do, and I'll pretend like I didn't hear them on purpose, but in reality I do, but it isn't worth the meaningless fight to me.  So things to me are just too petty to mess with.  Anyway, my heart belongs to one person, and if you wonder why I don't jump at other women or try to hook up with other women, well its really simple, I'm only interested in one woman, and I don't do casual fake love, because meaningless love or sex to me is worthless and a waste of time.

I'm not the usual think with my dick first guy, those guys will screw anything and often times have more problems than anyone else.  No, I instead think with my mind and heart, they tend to make much better long term decisions.  Plus, the woman I love is perfect to me, there is no other her. believe me she is unique in every way, and that is why I love her so much.  Every other woman to me can't hold a candle to her, so why waste my time when I already love someone completely.  What is the point to me hooking up with another woman if my heart belongs to the one woman I love.

I'm loyal, I'm true, and I won't be mislead.  I am not a real boy, no, I am a real man.  I pick my moments, I pick my battles.  You see I have faith in my love and God, I believe in time me and the woman I love will end up together.  So I choose not to force anything, I choose not to make anything bad happen, instead I have so much faith that I'm ok with things playing out, even if it takes years.  I love her that much and believe in her that much.  I'm not looking for a quickie, I'm not looking for just anyone, what I want is real live, lifelong love, and there is only one woman I love that way and want to be with for life.  I'm working hard to get my life in order, not for myself, but for myself and the woman I love, this is complete truth, I think ahead.  Everything I do is well thought out I promise, even when bad things happen to me I often times expect them, this is why I often times am prepared for them.

So yes, I love her, and don't be fooled because I don't chase other women, because simply put, I already found the ultimate woman and she is all I need, and she is all I love, period.  So laugh all you want, it doesn't phase me, because in the end I will laugh last I guarantee.  I don't take advantage of people for a reason, I do things the right way for a reason, God is always watching I promise, and everything we do we always wind up paying for in some way.