I'm up late, can't sleep, lot on the mind to be honest. This is a time of uncertainty for me, I mean I know I'll survive this and become stronger than I ever have been, but it doesn't make things any easier on me. I need support right now, and that's hard for me to admit, while I know I'm not in this fight alone, I often times feel alone. It's hard to explain really until you've personally experienced yourself. And it's a fine line, you don't want to ignore the problem and let yourself get depressed to dangerous results, but you don't want to become needy to your friends to the point you push them away. I mean let's be honest, they have their own problems and lives themselves, and that last thing I ever want to do is cause more problems or stress for them.
I often get asked why I don't put my heart out there publicly when I love someone, and the truth is, I'm a private person. I share a lot with those I care about, but I hide so much more. It's not that I'm scared or ashamed, I'm just very protective of myself and those I love. When it comes to secrets, I know how to keep them better than anyone else. And I only share things with you if I truly care for you, and without sounding like a jerk, it takes a lot for me to truly care for someone on that level. I don't even share things like that with my own family, people often think I'm a free spirit who is carefree, and extremely open, and truth is, I'm not.
I'm a very independent, self driven and self made person. I've fought extremely hard for everything I got, and I've lost it all more than I can count, but every time I build it back up better than it was. I believe in me through God, I have seen His mercy and power first hand, both the good and the bad. I've had my weak moments where God has had to correct me, and I've had my strong moments where God has blessed me, but no matter what I believe and am still standing and growing.
Everything I do in life is for the greater good of all those I love. I fight to make money, not to indulge myself, but to provide for those I love. If I ever make it rich, I'm the man who will sit down with each of my close friends, and not give them what they want, but set them up for life with what they need. The woman I love would be taken care of, even if we were still apart, my friends would be taken care of, and so would my family. Now don't get me wrong, now I couldn't help everyone, and I wouldn't spoil anyone, but believe me they wouldn't have to worry nearly as much. All there kids would have college funds, and such. I think about things like this all the time, I literally stay awake at nights trying to find ways to help those I love and make their lives better, I don't why, but I do and always have.
I love hard, but I don't love often. I put myself out there with the one I love, and the result was I didn't even get a chance even though they confessed they loved me to, and that just reinforced the reality I shouldn't put myself out there, because reality is even if they love me, they still won't think my love is good enough. That's the message they send whether they meant to or not. When you tell someone you love them and they have the most amazing heart you've seen, and then you say that we can never even try, that's about as big a backhanded compliment you can give, then when you top it off back acting innocent about it, it just feels worse. Especially when I love you as true and much as I do, and you know it.
I can't shake that, because you're not my past, you're still my present, and I still need you to be my future, I'm sorry, but I love you that much. I never meant to fall for you, I truly didn't, in fact I never meant to fall for anyone like this. You changed me, you made me better, you took my heart and without even knowing it, you taught it to love again, and then it all shattered. And even when I accepted the friends role, you couldn't let me hold on to that, and then you couldn't figure out why it was so hard on me. It's simple, you and one other person were all I had to rely on, I bet my life on you literally, and you walked away. And acted as if you did nothing wrong.
The thing is, I know you never meant to hurt me, and I know to this day you don't like hurting me. And while I know you have a hard time understanding me, you know my love for you is as real and pure as they come. You know when I say I love you I mean it, and I truly believe deep down you love me too even if right now you can't admit it. What you fail to realize is walking away from you, means walking away from everything I believe in and walking away from myself, so I will never truly be able to let go or walk away, because it leads to a place I can't return from, and I know it. And this is the first time I've ever admitted that to anyone, and I know you don't realize what you were truly asking of me when you did.
When you love someone so much, that you bet your life on them, then you've put it all out there. If you sink, you're done. It truly is do or die. Maybe I was wrong to bet my life on you, but I did, and I don't regret it, because you're worth it to me. Every night and every day I will love you, I will worry about you, and try to help you in anyway I can, even if it's not in my best interest. That's who I am, and for better or worse, that's the soul God gave me. I want to make this world a better place, not just for me, but for all those I love. And if I ever have the power to do so, I will change this world for the better and make happiness abundant. Give with a happy heart seeking no return, that could be my life mantra. I may never be understood, and people may always think I have ulterior motives, but reality is when we all die and God judges my life for all to see, that is when we all will finally realize I truly had no ulterior motives, I simply loved you and wanted to be there for you.
I don't know if I can explain myself any more than I already have, and I know right now we can't be because of where you are at, but at least now you can know why I love you and can't let go. I know you may never understand me, or accept me, but whether you understand or accept it or not, it is truth. I love you more than you can ever know. And I simply no longer know what to do about it, the more I try to be what you want or need me to be, the more you run away, but if I stop, I know your personality you'll never come after me, either way I'm lost, at least if I try I have a fighting chance. You never throw away who makes you happy, and you've always brought me happiness.
I often get asked why I don't put my heart out there publicly when I love someone, and the truth is, I'm a private person. I share a lot with those I care about, but I hide so much more. It's not that I'm scared or ashamed, I'm just very protective of myself and those I love. When it comes to secrets, I know how to keep them better than anyone else. And I only share things with you if I truly care for you, and without sounding like a jerk, it takes a lot for me to truly care for someone on that level. I don't even share things like that with my own family, people often think I'm a free spirit who is carefree, and extremely open, and truth is, I'm not.
I'm a very independent, self driven and self made person. I've fought extremely hard for everything I got, and I've lost it all more than I can count, but every time I build it back up better than it was. I believe in me through God, I have seen His mercy and power first hand, both the good and the bad. I've had my weak moments where God has had to correct me, and I've had my strong moments where God has blessed me, but no matter what I believe and am still standing and growing.
Everything I do in life is for the greater good of all those I love. I fight to make money, not to indulge myself, but to provide for those I love. If I ever make it rich, I'm the man who will sit down with each of my close friends, and not give them what they want, but set them up for life with what they need. The woman I love would be taken care of, even if we were still apart, my friends would be taken care of, and so would my family. Now don't get me wrong, now I couldn't help everyone, and I wouldn't spoil anyone, but believe me they wouldn't have to worry nearly as much. All there kids would have college funds, and such. I think about things like this all the time, I literally stay awake at nights trying to find ways to help those I love and make their lives better, I don't why, but I do and always have.
I love hard, but I don't love often. I put myself out there with the one I love, and the result was I didn't even get a chance even though they confessed they loved me to, and that just reinforced the reality I shouldn't put myself out there, because reality is even if they love me, they still won't think my love is good enough. That's the message they send whether they meant to or not. When you tell someone you love them and they have the most amazing heart you've seen, and then you say that we can never even try, that's about as big a backhanded compliment you can give, then when you top it off back acting innocent about it, it just feels worse. Especially when I love you as true and much as I do, and you know it.
I can't shake that, because you're not my past, you're still my present, and I still need you to be my future, I'm sorry, but I love you that much. I never meant to fall for you, I truly didn't, in fact I never meant to fall for anyone like this. You changed me, you made me better, you took my heart and without even knowing it, you taught it to love again, and then it all shattered. And even when I accepted the friends role, you couldn't let me hold on to that, and then you couldn't figure out why it was so hard on me. It's simple, you and one other person were all I had to rely on, I bet my life on you literally, and you walked away. And acted as if you did nothing wrong.
The thing is, I know you never meant to hurt me, and I know to this day you don't like hurting me. And while I know you have a hard time understanding me, you know my love for you is as real and pure as they come. You know when I say I love you I mean it, and I truly believe deep down you love me too even if right now you can't admit it. What you fail to realize is walking away from you, means walking away from everything I believe in and walking away from myself, so I will never truly be able to let go or walk away, because it leads to a place I can't return from, and I know it. And this is the first time I've ever admitted that to anyone, and I know you don't realize what you were truly asking of me when you did.
When you love someone so much, that you bet your life on them, then you've put it all out there. If you sink, you're done. It truly is do or die. Maybe I was wrong to bet my life on you, but I did, and I don't regret it, because you're worth it to me. Every night and every day I will love you, I will worry about you, and try to help you in anyway I can, even if it's not in my best interest. That's who I am, and for better or worse, that's the soul God gave me. I want to make this world a better place, not just for me, but for all those I love. And if I ever have the power to do so, I will change this world for the better and make happiness abundant. Give with a happy heart seeking no return, that could be my life mantra. I may never be understood, and people may always think I have ulterior motives, but reality is when we all die and God judges my life for all to see, that is when we all will finally realize I truly had no ulterior motives, I simply loved you and wanted to be there for you.
I don't know if I can explain myself any more than I already have, and I know right now we can't be because of where you are at, but at least now you can know why I love you and can't let go. I know you may never understand me, or accept me, but whether you understand or accept it or not, it is truth. I love you more than you can ever know. And I simply no longer know what to do about it, the more I try to be what you want or need me to be, the more you run away, but if I stop, I know your personality you'll never come after me, either way I'm lost, at least if I try I have a fighting chance. You never throw away who makes you happy, and you've always brought me happiness.
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